Life is a journey down a long winding road.
There are hairpin turns and pot holes. There are forks in the road where we must choose what we want next and there are mountains to climb. My mom and I climbed a lot of those mountains together. As she lay in the hospital bed, I knew it was time for her to stay at the top of the mountain. I had to continue this journey without her. I knew her journey upwards from this mountain and into the light was the way things were supposed to be.
On the day of my mother walked into the light, I had a déjà vu experience.
A déjà vu usually tells me I am on the right place on my lifeline or timeline. I realized not only was this my timeline but it was each of us in the room who had to have planned this for our lives. My children, partner, mom and I had to have planned to be at this place at exactly this time for this purpose, this moment of my mom’s passing. How could there be a reason to lose my Mom when there is so much left for her to teach me? It is not fair or right. It was after that realization and in the days following her passing that an old friend came to join me, my Ego.
Ego Edges Guidance Out; it loves sadness as well as the madness and chaos that can be created by negative and doubtful emotions. The passing of a loved one was a perfect opportunity for Ego to walk in and take control. It began slowly and quietly but soon, Ego was having a field day with my life.
I would get in the car to drive to work and I would begin those self-doubt scenarios. You know, the ‘What if I had’ and ‘If only I had done that’ scenes we often play in our heads. “Hello, Ego! I am so sorry but you really mustn’t do this, it isn’t helping me. As a matter of fact, you have given me a terrible headache.” Ego would look at me, smile, tip its hat and sit quietly until there was another moment for him to shine and tear me down. Ego had become a cartoon who followed me through my days.
Ego doesn’t want us to be happy.
He wants to keep us from looking to others for help and guidance. He wants to control our emotions in the worst way possible. If he can keep us from really believing we have any answers and made any good choices he wins. His win is our loss.
I found myself one morning, with my thoughts wandering back to the time leading up to my mother’s passing. Today the memory was of the day she was rushed to the hospital. I played the scenario in my head. Suddenly, I realized that I was not helping myself cope by running the what if’s in my brain. At that moment, Ego stepped in tipped his hat and punched a timeclock. “Good Morning! Ready to carry on with this?” “No, I am not ready to carry on with this.” I got up and got ready for work.
I started thinking about many of the things my mom taught me throughout life. I remembered how she always said not to feel sorry for yourself. The lesson was to find the love in your life, value the good things. Oh Ego, you are clever but not that clever! Time for things to change!
Do I believe that right now I have mastered Ego and all his tricks? Probably not. I am paying more attention though. I am also making a point to center my thoughts in my heart so that they begin out of love. I moved Ego’s timeclock into a special space in my heart so that when he clocks in he is trapped in love and not able to control my thoughts in a negative, doubting manner. When those thoughts do creep in I have negotiated a deal with them. Ego is allowed 60 seconds of sadness creation but there must be double that in the following minutes. I think about a happy story from the past, the love in my life or make a list of all the blessings I have in life. This is working.
The lesson is to put Ego in its place!
Show it your heart and love are the boss. Take back your thoughts to create positivity in your life. When we journey down the mountain alone, we often find out more about ourselves than anyone else could ever teach us.