In How to Heal Your Broken Heart Part 2, WU World Changer Bonnie Sheldon explains how to face and clear past hurts and emotions through journaling exercises. Late joining this series? Catch up on Part 1!
When a relationship ends, there is often deep emotional pain attached to that separation. If this pain remains, as it does for so many, you have entered the world of the heartbroken. In Part 2 of this “Heal Your Broken Heart” Series we will explore the reality of the pain of Heartbreak, discussing methods to face and release the pain.
In the first Blog of the Series, the necessity of reaching a sense of closure, an acceptance that the relationship has indeed ended, was emphasized as a very necessary first step in healing. If you haven’t faced that loss, you’ll at the least carry those wounds into future relationships.
Healing a broken heart that remains painful, achieving true healing, requires effort. Time does not actually heal ALL, as wounds remain, lodged in our minds and bodies. Once you’ve accepted the relationship as finished, it is possible to start the deeper healing process.
Part 2: “He Said, She Said”
During any romantic relationship, and particularly in its final stages, each party reaches an extreme emotional state and may say hurtful things and/or do hurtful things. Often, too, we blame ourselves for what’s been said, on either side, and for what’s been heard.
After this kind of interaction and reaction, it’s only natural for your heart to be wounded. Deep inside, many things that were said rang true, and they hurt. Or they didn’t ring true and caused anger. Our emotions can hurtle down, leaving us with low self-regard, a sense of unworthiness.
To re-build your life it is necessary to heal these wounds.
There are numerous methods to release and or clear negative experiences or thoughts, including EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), chakra work, shamanism, NLP, and many others. In Blog 1, in order to help feel the relationship as finished, and to work through the issues raised in this we used Visualizations. For the remaining issues, we’ll use a method of journaling combined with visualization that brings self-observation and unconscious thought to the fore. Our plan is for you to ask your “Higher Self” questions to help you release, and in a fifteen to twenty minutes of a writing session, you will be able to allow yourself to answer the questions with whatever comes to mind or hand.
You may be surprised at how clearly your unconscious speaks!
Even if you don’t work through the actual exercises offered, just seriously considering the issues raised in each section can open the door to the self-examination that is common to all methods of transformation. An unexamined life does not help you to change for the better.
Either open a computer file or use a notebook for hand written journaling, and this collection of writing will take you along the path of healing as you face the past, and let it go. When I remark later to “write and write until your emotions are drained” I don’t mean for an extended period of hours. A little each day, or twice a day is enough, as it is important not to push yourself into the emotional condition known as overwhelm; especially as you relive these usually intense emotions.
When you are writing, and reach a point where you feel the emotions starting to build to an uncomfortable point, a good EFT method is to gently rub the thumb side of your index finger to relieve stress via an acupuncture meridian to the brain, or your inside wrist to relieve your vagus nerve meridian, often used for anxiety.
An extremely effective technique is to ‘Rate’ yourself on each issue before you begin, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being very intense emotionally, and 2 or under being not too intense. Try to bring yourself down to a 2 on each emotion, and if after a period you’re still above 2, try a different release technique, or several, or seek professional help.
Repeating painful thoughts too often is actually counter-productive as you are reinforcing them in that case. So be a good judge of when ‘enough is enough’ and take a break, move to another issue, or try a new technique or a professional Coach. Healing can be difficult but it’s not impossible and should not be agonizing. Your goal is not to torture yourself but to use these techniques to really release and let go.
Things Said or Done
In your Journal, begin a list of the scenes and events that you find most painful. Don’t try to do it all at once, but a few a day can be recorded, and after you have some recorded, you can both work on the list and at a different time work on the events already listed. Include things that were said and things that were done. In EFT, this list is called “The Personal Peace Procedure,” and has been used by millions around the world to achieve relief from the difficulties of the past.
We will now introduce you to your ‘Higher Self’
An entity close to your Soul, the person deep inside who is the ‘best’ of you, who knows what’s for your own good, and is in close touch with Spirit.
Visualization: Close your eyes, and see if you can imagine your ‘Higher Self,’ garbed in gold perhaps, all knowing. Allow yourself to elaborate. Introduce yourself, and ask for help in this endeavor of freedom seeking. See your ‘Higher Self’ recognize you and commit to helping.
Your ‘Higher Self’ is your partner, guide, and companion, there so you are not alone, there to provide your clearest sight of what’s held close in your Heart/Emotions, there to help you feel safe.
Take each item on your list, consider the following questions, and then begin your ‘Higher Self Journaling.’ The goal of this is to connect your ‘Higher Self’s actual wisdom, the voice of Spirit speaking to your unconscious, to solutions that are exactly right and in harmony for you.
Have your higher ‘Higher Self’ look at your list item by item and then have the following conversations:
HIGHER SELF (HS): When the incident/scene happened, what was your reaction at the time?
Now write about how you felt. Put yourself there, begin with the start, and go through as if you were telling a story. Whether it was a verbal remark or a scene with action (as in “he pushed my shoulder and I slipped”). At each point, notice how your emotions may shift, perhaps from anger to sadness, or the reverse.
Do you feel better ‘getting it out?’ If some areas continue to bother you, consider the emotional rating number that you gave to the scene, and see if it went down. It may initially rise as the emotions come to the fore. Continue to write, at that time, later, or on another day. Let all the emotion pour out until you have nothing left to say.
HS: Is there anything you’d like to ‘say’ to the other person here, in this format?
This is a safe place to say all the things that were left unsaid, that you thought of later, that you’ll never say, or that you really shouldn’t say, for your own or your family’s best good. Again, write until you have nothing left to say.
HS: Is there anything you feel guilty about, on an emotional level?
Even when we are not the initiating party to a disagreement, our own levels of self-worth, or those imposed by our partner, may make us feel guilty, or we may, in fact, be responsible for the event. We will focus on Internal Core Issues in Blog 3, but if there are particular scenes/events/things said that are emotionally powerful for you, and you are carrying guilt, work with your Higher Self to release this as well.
HS: After working on an incident, how do you feel?
Your emotions will in all likelihood have changed after the scene. New emotions may arise (called “aspects” in EFT). Write about them, letting all the emotion again pour out into your words. They don’t need to be full sentences. Or move on if you’ve succeeded in clearing the emotions and your rating number is 2 or under.
HS: What lessons did you ‘learn’ that day?
Write here about the NEGATIVE lessons you learned – perhaps it’s that you ‘are an untrustable person.’ Perhaps it’s that ‘you are ugly.’ These are FALSE LESSONS, and until you realize you absorbed them, you can never act to free yourself from these false beliefs.
Here we turn things around, and YOU ask your ‘Higher Self’ for the answers.
Just put the pen to paper or fingers on keys and record whatever comes to mind. After a few writing sessions using this dialogue form, it will usually feel natural.
YOU: How can I teach myself or learn NEW lessons?
Higher Self: Answers as you write in your Journal.
This process will often reveal what conclusions you have drawn, what you may have unconsciously ‘learned,’ beyond what you yourself thought of in Section E, and it also can offer solutions that you wouldn’t have otherwise even guessed. For example, a woman can easily feel herself to be unattractive due to words that were shouted at her in anger, but not even realize the depth of the belief. This will come out in the journaling.
Each individual will have their own wound lessons. We’ll further discuss learning new lessons in future Blogs, but you can get a good start here. Perhaps you’ll rediscover your intellect by re-reading something you once wrote and felt proud. It’s best if each ‘Lesson’ is addressed so that what you think about yourself consciously, it’s not undermined without you even being aware.
For example, your ‘Higher Self,’ might suggest looking in the mirror and finding an attractive feature, and you would follow through and discover an Affirmation that says: “I am beautiful with beautiful hair.”
Achieve peace using The Personal Peace Procedure
A large portion of the hurtful scenes or words should be covered. This is not an easy process. As suggested in Blog I, if the emotions are too extreme as you go through this process, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP! There’s no prize for bravery and going through this alone if it’s more than you can handle.
Additionally, if scenes were often repeated with the same theme, an ‘archetypal’ scene can be used to work through with your ‘Higher Self.’ A partner with a drinking problem, a fidelity issue, etc. may have created numerous similar scenes over the course of your time together. You do NOT have to do each one, but be sure to cover the main issues between you.
Finally, the closing or ending of the relationship is critical to consider and may involve several different scenes. Clear all of these ‘ending scenes or words.’ They often carry the worst words and the biggest pains as things that were long unsaid can be said at these times.
Remember, having a dialogue with your Higher Self is only one method. Any form of releasing the emotions connected to the relationship difficulties and its close that works for you is worth doing and will enable you to move on.
A sample Journal Entry might read, after consulting your list of ‘Things Said and Done:’
“HS: What happened on the day you argued over fidelity?”
Your reply in your journal: “He came in the door smelling of some scent, a smell of perfume, and I knew he had been with Caroline. I felt angry at first, then sad. Lonely. Afraid.”
At this point you would choose to write about each emotion, or the scene as a whole and return to the emotions, one at a time at a later point: “I felt so angry, it felt like a betrayal. How could he go against our vows? Am I less attractive? Does he think I won’t guess? I could do the same thing and get back at him, but I never would – I’m just so angry. It’s as if I’m on fire. The anger is consuming me….” and so on.
Don’t expect the emotions to be pretty – write out what you feel, know that this is an exercise and not a plan of action! Make an effort to empty yourself, draining the intensity away.
According to the groundbreaking work of Candace Pert in “The Molecules of Emotion,” our emotions are actually biological, with the brain sending reaction molecules that lodge and STAY in our bodies, sometimes activating, other times staying quiet. That is why they need to be released.
We know that these emotions can change because the way we feel about things or memories changes with time or other events. No emotion is static and need stay with you forever! YOU CAN change how you FEEL about something at a cellular level, creating lasting emotional change
Don’t expect this Part 2 process to go quickly. It takes time to heal. Give yourself space as you consider these painful times, bringing them out into the open air, giving them the light of day, and letting them go. With that accomplished, the future you rebuild will be founded on solid rock, and not the debris of perceived failure.
Remember this is a Five Step Process.
So far, we have covered Accepting the End in Part 1, and Facing and Clearing the Emotions in Part 2. In Part 3, we will take a look at the core beliefs and limiting beliefs you may have that affect how you act in ANY relationship, so that as you go forward into life and perhaps romance again, you will clearly have an idea of what your values and beliefs are, and whether they match your companion’s.
Once again, Good Luck my friends.