When we fall in love, it is a rare person who steps outside of the frothing waves of emotion and analytically decides his or her future. We act, possibly with some thought, but usually with overwhelming emotion – it’s the very nature of love! It’s only later that difficulties become evident, often based on vastly different views about basic life principles. These views can be unconscious, some of them the result of our experiences in our last relationship, and our broken hearted condition.
We all have pre-conceived notions about love, companionship, commitment, marriage and divorce. Some of these ideas are Beliefs that we unconsciously regard as truth. We unknowingly developed or learned some beliefs based on our early life as we absorbed thoughts from our families and culture. Other beliefs are based on experiences, possibly painful. It is very helpful to identify and clear the emotions connected to this group of beliefs so that all of your values are well examined, and come from heart and mind, united in conviction.
In this way, we prevent unaware action. If you’re aware of what you actually believe, and have cleared any beliefs that are not in your best interest or were pain based, you’re then well prepared for a great future. Another dimension of your heart broken condition will have been healed as we move forward toward wholeness.
Part 3: “I Know It for a Fact!!!” (Or is it just a Belief?)
As we grow, we observe our parents and other couples, and before the age of 6, science now tells us, many of our deepest beliefs will have been formed. There are also cultural clichés that seem so true we accept these as fact as well.
To help identify some of your Core Beliefs, which may be Limiting Beliefs, consider the following list and see which statements resonate as true or false. ‘Limiting’ means those beliefs that actually hinder you as a person and a lover. Do you want to keep them in your ‘values box’? Notice, too, whether there is a negative emotional charge associated with any.
- It is almost impossible to find a good man (or woman).
- Men (or women) are untrustworthy.
- Most men (or women) are unable to be faithful.
- Men are unable to be ‘just friends’ with another woman.
- Women are unable to be ‘just friends’ with another man.
- If a man and a woman are friends, it is inevitable that they will become intimate.
- Men and women are totally different – men don’t express their feelings and women do.
- Men don’t value the way women talk to each other.
- Women don’t understand the way men relate.
- Men and women are basically the same, but act differently because they don’t want to lose face with their gender group.
- I could never fall in love with someone to whom I wasn’t instantly physically attracted.
- Sex is the most important part of any relationship or, an important part.
- Trust is the most important part of any relationship or, an important part.
- Communication is the most important part of any relationship, or, an important part.
- Women should be primarily responsible for the home and child-rearing.
- Both parties should divide responsibilities equally in the home.
- Men should be the breadwinners, and anything a woman earns is extra.
- Women should keep any money they earn separately and let the man pay for the main expenses.
- Money should be pooled in any bonded relationship.
- Earning money for something connected to spirituality is wrong.
- Debt is a fine way to expand an income.
- Recreation is an important part of every day’s activities.
- Working hard and then playing or relaxing when there is time is the best way to get ahead.
- Using stimulants for good life experiences/sexual experiences is helpful.
- Using stimulants for good life experiences/sexual experiences is dangerous, and creates a sense of unreality.
- It’s important for a woman to be a good cook, as the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
- Children should be seen and not heard, or at least kept quiet and busy.
- Children should be included in all family activities.
- Women should carry the major responsibility for generating family holidays.
- Men and women do not need equal education.
- No relationship can succeed if the education levels are different.
- If sex is good, the relationship is sure to succeed.
- A happy life is for the lucky ones.
- Home and Heart are the centers of life.
- A spiritual path and connection to the Divine are important/unimportant.
Consider this: none of the above is a fact, most are neither true nor false in all cases. Review the above list, include other beliefs (it’s actually a very incomplete list), and now give some serious thought to clarifying what you really believe about romance, marriage or commitment, and love. Think about where your attitudes came from – observing your parents? Are you in revolt or are your mirroring what you saw in their marriage? Are you basing your attitude toward men on the basis of the behavior of your own Father, or the romances you’ve had in your life, for example?
It will be helpful for you at this stage in life to sort out the source of your beliefs, as you clarify what you really do believe, now, at this point in time. This is the moment to step away from learned belief, whether it is based on family values, culture or experience, and live in a manner that is true to your own deepest self.
Review the list again, after evaluating your values, and take specific note of those statements or any others you can think of that gives you an uncomfortable emotional feeling. Are you aware of the source of the emotion? Consider using any of the suggested methods of emotional healing – EFT, shamanism, NLP, EMDR, prayer, traditional therapies, and so on to clear the emotion, leaving you free to assess the belief on its merits.
Two examples of Unconscious Limiting Beliefs:
[These two examples were presented by clients, and are used with their permission, and names changed.]
- Melanie’s mother and father had a stormy relationship. Her father was a serial womanizer and her mother knew about it, but was too insecure to stand up for herself. Melanie carried the belief that a wife could expect cheating, and carried this expectation through three painful relationships as her expectations were always met. When she was able to uncover the belief and clear it emotionally, she no longer attracted men who were unfaithful and discussed fidelity as a value when she became serious in her next romantic situation. From her new, emotionally neutral position, she could now ‘reframe’ or think in a new way about the subject, altering her opinion or beliefs.
- Nancy was brought up in a small town by a single mother who worked. A few years after she and her husband had children, her husband lost his job and then was unable to find new work. Nancy felt that although she had an advanced degree and could easily work out of the home, her role was to be the mother in the family. After analyzing this belief, which for her was very strong, she realized the extent she was influenced by her unhappy home life, with her mother away from home after school, and many hours spent alone. She used EFT to clear the emotions around those experiences, the feeling of abandonment she still carried, and re-think the issue from a pain-free perspective. She realized she could structure her work in such a way that she still had plenty of time for her children if she made it a priority, or she could even start an at-home business. Once the emotions were rendered non-controlling, Nancy and her husband restructured their family responsibilities, Nancy retained the feeling she was the family Mother, and their financial situation was saved. She was able to avoid heartbreak, an experience with which she was familiar in earlier relationships. In this case, she did the work of examining her beliefs.
Just from reading the list, we can easily see how two different people encountering each other romantically might have very different thoughts about a joint future. Make sure that your partner shares your values, and that your values are now the mature thoughts that reflect both your life experience and wisdom gained, not through pain, but through honest self-evaluation and an attitude of awareness towards life. Talk often.
Clarifying your Core Beliefs and Values is not just for the purpose of future romance, although I do advise not starting a new relationship until you are well healed from those previous. It’s important to know your own self; “An unexamined life is not worth living” is a truism long with us.
When you know your own heart and not what was unconsciously planted by your parents, your society, or previous negative experiences, your future will have a sounder base and you will have begun the Manifestation Process for Success!
In Parts 4 and 5 of this Series, we will move forward to the concrete steps you will be ready to make if you’ve worked the Heartbreak Recovery Program. In Part 5, we have a special Visualization to ‘Future Imprint’ the life and person you see yourself growing to be; one of the most powerful vehicles for actualizing the Life You Deserve!
If you’re ready to work on healing your own broken heart, I’d be honored to help you with my program which has helped hundreds of women and men reclaim their lives, at https://www.heartbreakrescue.com.