How is it possible to survive this world with all the painful events that are going on?
That could be the single, most pivotal question I asked myself before I retreated inward. Yes, my pain and the challenges were enough to send me packing back to the planet I came from, but I couldn’t fully go anywhere without being willing to give up this physical body. I simply was not ready to do that. I had so much work I felt still needed to be accomplished. Not everyone is lucky enough to remember why we are here on this planet called Earth. I’m pretty sure that some of you reading this either agree with me or maybe even wonder what I’ve been smoking. For the greater part of my life, I’ve felt like I was here to do something big.
It was a feeling that often nudged me as I traversed my life.
Many times, I found myself ignoring it while I went into auto-pilot when things got too tough for me. For a while, meaning several years, as most of us do, afterlife has beat us down enough, I wasn’t sure where I was. My motions were thoughtless, and my interactions with others, the same. There was no awareness of how I was, or what that meant. I did not know phrases like “spiritual growth.” But, if I wasn’t on auto-pilot, then I was running in the opposite direction from the pain in my life, let alone that of others around me and miles away from me.
Because being an empath meant that I would take on the pain of others, and in turn, taking on an emotional overwhelm.
Only at the time, I did not know what was happening and I had not come to an understanding of this gift at this point in my life. Being an empath also meant that I would very deeply feel the pain of people, even if they were across the world. It’s just how it worked for me and so I completely disengaged. In time, my soul got restless. The Divine All/God/Universe sent help to jolt me awake. Several times actually, but I was very resistant to most of it for a long while. The first jolt I felt was when I had miscarried my first pregnancy. After being in a funk for many months with an unsympathetic husband, I had a dream, a dream that shook me. And when I awoke, I felt this deep need to seek out religion. So, I ended up at a church. This experience helped me heal and even more so, I learned to begin to put my trust in God. Soon after I learned this, I was pregnant again, and 9 months later had a beautiful baby girl.
I had walked through darkness my whole life.
I prayed many times over the years with one question in mind, but until we are truly ready to hear, we won’t hear it. When I was ready to hear it, my life changed. I ended up becoming a student of Kabbalah and spent the next five years with intensive spiritual studies, with one mission, to become the best version of myself. My eyes were now fully open and I found myself learning more and more about who I was and who I wanted to be. We truly are onions, each layer we are brave enough to peel back reveals new surprises good, bad or indifferent, and about who we are. In this process, I learned how to go inward. To ask myself questions that would bring next level awareness about me, who I was, and how I was. I learned just how important astrology was, my birth chart really did provide clues to understanding more about myself. What I didn’t know, was that the line between suppression and being willing to “say” I accept this obstacle as part of my process, was super thin.
I could never figure out which direction I was falling in any given situation.
One thing I know now is that it was all part of my learning process. And that learning led to deeper discussions within me. So, even when I was off floating on my cloud of bliss that I created in the middle of 2017, I was a changed woman. Having had this practice in place would be critical, with tweaks, once I returned to the land of humans.
Instead of focusing on the positive, my biggest lesson was first acknowledging the pain, sitting with the pain, and then understanding myself. I needed to know the root of why I hurt so badly when situations arose. Having this knowledge before asking what could I learn from this situation, and then moving forward was an important step.
This process, once refined, has become the missing piece to the puzzle of spiritual living. This is what I needed in order to achieve more balance in my life between being a spiritual being and living in a physical world.
This balance would allow me to address my emotional well-being, but to also still be the optimistic, cup half-full person that I was. I have feelings that aren’t always happy and bliss filled, we all have a shadow side. What I have learned is it’s a much safer practice to embrace that shadow than to ignore it.
Eventually, the shadow will be heard, but when I use the refined process I have learned above, I am in control of the shadow and not the other way around.
Are you interested in learning more about empowerment through storytelling? If so, I invite you to connect with me and check out my mini-series that is available on my website.