Many of us, and especially women growing up in traditional Western cultures have been taught to believe that one day we will meet a prince on a white horse, who will save us from suffering and make us happy and whole again. This theme is very pervasive in our culture including books and movies. Think about movies such as Jerry McGuire (“you complete me”) or Pretty Woman.
I have my own share of failed relationships that stem from my own traumatic and dysfunctional childhood. Probably like most of you, I have read a ton of self-help books, worked with healers, coaches, and therapists. I learned a lot about myself and relationships which also led me to become a marriage and family therapist.
Now, let’s talk some more about HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP or even TOXIC relationship.
It’s important to know what your DEAL BREAKERS are and what you can tolerate, however, there are some that deserve our attention.
- Interrupting – the person who continuously interrupts you is not interested in what you have to say. Very often, the person who constantly interrupts is frequently anxious or hyperactive (and that might be due to the use of stimulants, such as coffee).
- Angerholics – addicted to being angry. This anger might be a result of upbringing, or also deep feelings of inferiority, disguised as anger. It’s important to get a professional help.
- Controlling behavior – controlling people act out immaturely or with anger when they feel that they are not in control.
- Addictions, including substance abuse – it’s important to understand that any addiction needs to be treated by a professional and if you are pleading with them, most of the times it will not help as you continue enabling their behavior
- Betrayal – a betrayer breaks your heart and your trust by engaging in hurtful behaviors such as infidelity, flirting with others, lying to you, or exercising extremely poor judgment.
How to heal the relationship? According to Gottman, there are 7 key tips for a healthy relationship or marriage:
- Emotionally intelligent couples know each other’s world. They know each other’s goals, worries, and hopes.
- Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a long-lasting romance.
- Seeking partner’s affection and support and give it freely. It doesn’t always have to be a great sex. Affection is even more important.
- Treating each other with respect even when you disagree.
- Solve your solvable problems and let go of things you cannot solve at the moment or learn to compromise.