I believe that everyone wants to be healthy and happy. No one chooses ill health and pain consciously. I have never met anyone who will state that they would like to stay sick, yet I have met many that are not willing to, or are reluctant to do what is needed for positive change to occur. Two different things in a sense, but not really.
First of all, the conscious mind is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what we are thinking and telling ourselves. Our programming, our understanding of life, old memories and conditions, are all present in this enormous databank – the subconscious mind. It has it all recorded, and it knows more about what you believe than your awakened state ever will. Only through our actions and our experiences can we truly see what our beliefs are. We act and live according to what we have been conditioned to believe, and that might not always be as it seems. We might have beliefs we did not even know we had. How interesting is that?
So, what does this have to do with health and healing you might ask? Well, look at it this way; Here you are, eager and willing to do what it takes to reclaim your health, yet still, you keep slipping, falling off the protocol. It simply feels like even though you really want to do this, you keep messing it up.
You keep getting in your own way, so to speak. That is what we call self-sabotage. It might be your subconscious mind playing a trick or two on you, and being aware of this scenario can be of enormous help moving forward. Self-sabotage simply means standing in your own way.
Our subconscious belief system might show up as a false identity, and our lives are sabotaged by our own inner thought-forms. By exploring how we live and act, we might find that we are living a typical pattern of self-sabotage.
The not-being-worthy identity:
A very common subconscious belief that I have seen surfacing for many, is the “I do not deserve to get well”-pattern. It emanates from the lack of self-love. While deep down, you do not believe that you deserve to get well, you will keep doing things that will make that manifest as a truth. That way, you were right. Even though this is a subconscious belief pattern, it might be so strong, that it shows up in your conscious thinking as well. The feeling of unworthiness comes from holding on to old hurts. As a child, you might have been scalded and abused, physically or mentally. A child will believe that it does not deserve any better than what is, and this will be imprinted as a truth until the spell is broken. As the child grows, every time the same pattern of abuse or critique appears, it validates the already known inner truth.
A true longing for change, for healing and freedom is still there, even though the subconscious mind is playing the same old song on constant repeat. This constant underlying repetition is what manifests as frustration and the feeling of being a failure. Your soul and your spirit knows that you are worthy, and that health and abundance is for you, me, and all of us to live and breathe. What you know, and what you are programmed to believe, is not in balance, and inner chaos will arise. Even though your inner belief system is telling you that you are not worthy of this amazing health that you so long for, you consciously might want it more than anything.
A very typical way for this self-sabotage to manifest is as a self-created, very valid-looking obstacle. You will not reach your goal because you found that this was not the right time for you. Your husband lost his job, your children are too young, and they need you to do what is expected for them. This really is not the best time to take care of you – “It did not work out, because I did not have a car at the time, and could not get what I needed for my juicing”. The stories are endless, and all valid. They make sense as something the conscious mind can sort of believe, as the subconscious mind keeps playing the story of your life. The truth is though, that nothing, and I mean nothing will stand in your way once you are ready. No-thing. Once that tape is turned off and replaced, none of these reasons will feel valid anymore.
Make this the time to forgive everything. Make this the now that you have been waiting for. No matter what you have experienced, now is the time to let it all go. You are worthy, and only by forgiving are you showing yourself that. Forgiveness is an act of self-love. It is recognizing that we are soul-beings.
The fear of the new identity:
Another aspect to have in mind when we are dealing with self-sabotage is the “fear of losing what we know,” pattern. It is the flip side to change, so to speak. It is the direct opposite of inviting in the change that is needed, this fear of losing what we already have.
Once we have made the decision that we are ready to go, to move forward, and to walk towards health, we know that change will be ahead. We know that we will have to change something. That is logical. The intellect knows that the protocol of eating and living will be different, and the conscious mind is ready.
Then, even if what we have been experiencing is not good for us, it`s hurting us even, it is still what we know. Even if we are in an abusive relationship, and we know that we are, it is what we are familiar with. Breaking free means uncertainty, and insecurity. The obvious scenario is that we would rather stay in pain, in fear of the unknown. I know, it really does not make sense, but for those that are living by their inner-beliefs of not being strong enough, or smart enough to be on their own, this is very real. This pattern arises from the understanding of not being able to take care for ourselves. This is a very typical one, and is also why we see so many relationships built on dependency. We are all sovereign beings, and it is absolutely natural to take care of oneself. Together we stand, yet we are all alone. All together in support and compassion for each other, yet still as separate beings.
Out of fear of losing that familiarity, we can self-sabotage any real progress that will make us leave the old. We might feel we are heading for major life changes like breaking out of a relationship or a walking away from a job. Every aspect of our life affects our health. A typical scenario might be that you decide you are fine as you are. There was no need for any major change after all. You are fine. Your health is so much better now, it was all just a false alarm. Nothing to worry about, you are fine. No change needed.
Although fear is never a constructive energy, nor is it a healing one, it can show us a lot about what our belief system is all about. If you sense that there is any fear at all connected with doing what you know you need to do to get better, you are ready to work on your freedom.
The attention identity:
Being sick, might have given you more attention, that has led to the feeling of being loved. This pattern is most definitely imprinted in our early childhood. The experience of getting more attention and love, will stay with us, and we will continue to use the same patterns into our adult lives. A child will do what it feels it needs to do, to feel loved and accepted, and if a need was fulfilled when health was impaired, the pattern will stick for life. This does not mean that to get attention you are making yourself sick, not at all, but not being healthy will be associated with something that feels familiar and safe. That way, once you change your health for the better, you might feel unsafe, and fall back to the old comfort zone. Some relationships are built on this energy. The pattern of one being the needy and one being the servant, the caregiver. The partner who is in need of care, might feel extra important or seen, while the caregiver feels there is need for them.
The fear of loss is also present in this pattern and belief-system. “If I get well, he will no longer need to be here, and he will leave me.” The fear of not being loved for who you are, has made you, through your experience as a child, holding on to pain and dis-ease, so that someone will care for you, and therefore love you. The self-sabotage might sound like this: “Nothing works for me. I have tried everything, and nothing works”. This will draw in even more of the compassionate attention that you believe that you need. The truth is that you do not need any bodily dis-function, or anything else for that matter, to get the attention that you need. By being the radiant, healthy, shiny you that you were meant to be, there will be no need for anything else. You are it. You are what will attract to you what you believe that you are.
The disease identity:
Without even knowing it, you might be holding on to a disease as an identity. For example, that you feel like your chronic diagnosis is serving you in some way. How in the world would being sick serve anybody, you might ask? “All I want is to get well, and there is no way being sick would serve me or anyone.” Well, I am afraid there could be. A number of things might be lingering as a subconscious belief and understanding. These are beliefs that will keep you locked in your current situation, clinging to what is, even if it is suffering and pain. Remember, these are most often unconscious patterns, not something you are choosing in the awake state. Unconscious meaning it’s hidden to us, but often we can still feel the pattern when awareness is brought to the situation.
This very common pattern will manifest as a need to talk about the disease, and about the body in general. You will notice that some people have the desire to keep telling their story. They have an eagerness to talk about their suffering. It has become their identity. They might be the head of a diagnosis organization or a chronic disease forum. They might be on disability and are feeling locked into the lifestyle. Their friends and colleagues are of the same mindset and understanding, and getting healthy will feel like a loss. Getting healthy might even feel as a deceit. It might feel like they are turning their back on their friends and followers, their tribe and their family.
This programming comes from the need to belong. We all need to feel that we belong, and when we have not had that feeling growing up, we will search for it in any community or situation. Once we find it, as it is one of the basic human needs, it is very hard to let it go. We tend to want to stand by our tribe no matter what. They are the ones that have stuck by us and have taken us in. We’ve felt welcomed and loved. The disease might even be our livelihood now, our business. A very good and sane reason to hold on to it, now that it is “working” for us. Our perceived identity is worth holding onto for our dear lives, and the true and devastating story is that that is exactly what we do.
Every single one of us will have one or several of these patterns lingering within our great mind. I am sorry to say that none of us are very special for recognizing these belief systems. I am sure that you recognize a part of you in some of the above situations.
To be aware is always the first step, and I want to inspire you to take a good look at your attachment to your current health situation.
In “Are you holding on to your pain part 2,” we will look at the hidden benefits from holding on to what is.