I’ve spent the last couple of weeks feeling into what I really want for 34.
For myself, my relationships, and my business. What really matters to me.
Here’s what I’ve decided:
I don’t want to be good, not even great.
I want to innovate. I want to disrupt what’s been established, yet no longer works (or maybe never did). I want to start new conversations and elevate old ideas to new heights. I want to fail, repeatedly, until I uncover the answers to questions I’ll never stop asking. I want to continue asking the questions people don’t want to answer, or can’t, and keep “making no sense” until everything clicks into place.
I don’t want to live a good life, not even a great one.
At least not in the way most people define a “good” or “great” life. I want to live an extraordinary and remarkable life. I want to be devoted to what I’m here to create and to become the person I’m here to be. To play full out, show up fully expressed, and create at a totally different level. To commit wholeheartedly to living out my purpose in this lifetime. Even if that means I just inch this work forward before I die. I want to know that I gave everything I had to what feels most important to me.
I’ve spent a majority of my 33 years letting people shame me for who I am. For not being “fun” in the ways they think I should be fun (or want me to be fun), for not falling in line with the way they believe relationships are supposed to look, or how they envision me fitting into their picture of a perfect life, for being someone who talks about trauma, depression, grief, and loss in the same ways they talk about movies or whatever is trendy.
But I don’t care anymore.
I don’t care if I don’t fit into any mold that’s ever existed or if I don’t make sense to most people. I don’t care if I never find a sense of belonging in this world. I don’t care if I have one friend or none, or if I’m a crazy cat lady until the day I die.
We like to separate out people who’ve experienced immense success or influence. They’re special, different, not like “us.” Really, they were just more devoted to their vision than most. They were committed to their work in the world, and they prioritized what really mattered to them over the things that didn’t. They didn’t stop when someone told them to “relax and have some fun!” They didn’t care if what they were doing didn’t make sense to anyone else, it made sense to them. They didn’t stay in relationships of any kind that wasn’t supportive or nurturing to their path.
I don’t believe everyone has to be purpose-driven in the way that I am, and for some, their purpose isn’t even about work.
It’s about family or being a good person or staying faithful to their God. That’s great. But for me, a purpose has always been about my contribution. What I’m creating, the impact it’s having, how I’m showing up in service, and the people I’m helping.
In the darkest depths of my grief, in 2015, I fell to my knees with the only prayer I knew how to pray, “use me up and spit me out,” I would cry. As a suicidal teenager who made the choice to stay long, long ago. If I was going to be here and live through heartache, trauma, loss, and abuse, then it was going to be for some higher good that had nothing to do with me.
Which is why I love these words from Marianne Williamson: “Whatever you do, make it your ministry.”
I have made so many choices this past year, in support of living the life I know I’m here to live, and I won’t stop. I will keep saying no to the relationships, communities, and ways of being that don’t move me towards the things I want to move towards. I will keep being willing to lose what is no longer aligned for me or my work. I will keep figuring out how to heal and grow, and transform what needs to be transformed. I will keep surrendering to the unknown.
I look forward to sharing this next chapter of my life with you. Thank you for being on the journey with me.