How to Love Yourself

I guess I didn’t start out very well with this.

I remember being twelve years old, sitting in a small-town cafe with my maternal grandmother, having a little lunch. One of her friends had joined us.

The friend (I think her name was Vivian) said, “My, you are such a pretty girl!”

I froze, looked down at my plate, and said nothing.

My sweet grandmother, probably mortified, said, “Well, what do you say, Cindy?”

“Oh…thank you… I’m sorry… I guess I just don’t agree with you,” was all I could muster.

Awkward!

Moving on to college, I started dating quite a lot in my freshman year. Guys would compliment me on my appearance, and guess what I would do in response? I would cross my eyes and give them a goofy look as I thanked them.

I actually did this!

I was still so uncomfortable being given gracious compliments that I acted silly to get through it.

Those weren’t the only signs of my lack of love for myself, and the consequences got worse over time.

I dated a guy for two years who screamed at me once for calling and interrupting his time with his friends while they were watching David Letterman one evening. (He also cheated on me, and I forgave him, among other things.)

We broke up and got back together probably ten times in those two years, and he (not I) ended the relationship for good when he left me permanently for a girl named Debbie who happened to be in all my classes because we had the same major. (My stomach hurt for months, and I had a really hard time concentrating in those small classes.)

And yet, this guy wasn’t right for me AT ALL. I knew deep down I wanted better treatment, and life wasn’t meant to be so dramatic and difficult.

But I didn’t love myself enough to really insist on being treated well.

I even married someone who was very critical of me, was very selfish, and had anger issues. I told myself he would grow out of this immature behavior as we aged. I tolerated it and rode it out, thinking things would change.

When I had children, I didn’t think it was okay for me to ask for help. I rarely gave myself a break from parenting for time to myself. What they needed came first, along with my husband, the extended family, the church, the schools, and the community, and I was so far down on my own to-do list that I rarely got there.

Can you relate to any of this?

I know you can.

And I am not trying to pretend I was perfect and “all things to all people.”

Part of my lack of love for myself was thinking I had to be “all things to all people.”

This is a lie.

I find women have this standard that they are supposed to be beautiful, thin, smart, professional, financially successful, generous, kind, compassionate, and available to take care of everyone and everything at all times.

And we certainly tell ourselves, along with all of this, that we should not need anything, especially rest, relaxation, time to ourselves, time with our friends, or whatever!

It’s unbelievable.

And we do it to ourselves.

If we haven’t done it by midlife, we are now very ready to have an all-out war with our bodies, too. The hormones are fluctuating, we can’t sleep, the fat is piling on, and we crucify ourselves for not being “who we used to be” or for not being “perfect.”

Really???

And then there’s all the regret in midlife.

You look back and go, “Why did I do that?” “Why didn’t I do that?” “I hate myself for…” Fill in the blank.

When what you do is go to war with yourself about how you are aging and what you did or didn’t do in the past and start obsessively worrying about the future, all you are doing is making your life worse and aging yourself more rapidly.

And the truth is, you’re still not loving yourself.

I am The Mid-Life Makeover Coach, and I am on a mission to teach women how to love themselves unapologetically and build unwavering confidence so they can create a meaningful, joy-filled life and live fully on their terms.

Sounds pretty wonderful, right?

You see, I finally woke up and broke this pattern in my mid-40s. Through lots of personal growth work, lots of changes, and ongoing effort to this day, I have learned to love myself and have created a life I truly love.

I know firsthand what it takes to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself. And I know how wonderfully different life can be when you do.

And here’s a truth no one ever tells you, so I will:

Loving yourself, taking spectacular care of yourself, and putting yourself at the top of your list every single day is not against anyone and actually, honestly, helps everyone around you!

This is not selfish at all!

It’s IMPERATIVE, actually!

So, you may be asking, “How?” “How do I love myself?”

First of all, think about how you love others. I bet you do this very well.

When you love somebody else, you give them your undivided attention. You thoughtfully consider what is important to them. You show up when they need you and offer whatever form of support is being called for. You work to convince them they are wonderful when they are feeling less than. You treat them like the precious souls they are. You jump to respond when they ask you for anything. You offer compassion when they feel they have messed up, and you strive to help them find peace in any situation. You cheer them on when they need encouragement and strive to empower them to recognize their own abilities to make anything happen that’s important to them. You lovingly catch them when they fall. You remember them on special days, and you reach out in between to show how much you care.

The list goes on and on and on when you love someone else. You’re a genius at it.

So, to start loving yourself properly, turn all of these same tactics, efforts, and attitudes toward yourself every single day. You say yes to yourself about the things you want and need. You appreciate yourself for all that you are and all that you do. You stop trying so hard to be perfect. Remember, perfection only exists in one place ~ the dictionary!

The bottom line is that you need to take full responsibility for loving yourself by becoming your own best friend. Don’t wait for someone else to make you feel better. Enjoy your healthy, precious relationships for sure (that is part of loving yourself too), but also look inside to find your worth. Train your mind to tell you that you are always okay, more than okay, no matter what day of the week it is or what is happening around you.

You were born worthy, and nothing can ever change that. Your worth is not conditional.

So this is just a starting point. A resource I have for you is my exclusive guide called, “It’s Your Time: How to Start Loving Yourself Unapologetically Today!” In it, you will find five practical ways you can begin to love yourself. You can download it for free.

And if you still aren’t convinced how important loving yourself is, I invite you to listen to my podcast episode called, “10 Benefits of Loving Yourself in Midlife” by tuning in to the Life Makeovers Podcast here.

As I found in my journey with loving myself, it is an ongoing process that continues day by day. If you would like to go deeper in your personal growth journey, I offer one-on-one coaching and a coaching community for women who want to do the work together. If you’d like to consider that kind of support, visit my website to learn more.

Wishing you great love,

Cindy D. Whitmer

Connect with Cindy on The Wellness Universe.

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