As a child, I felt I could not express my emotions freely.
I remember as a four and five-year-old girl, I would have temper tantrums by jumping on the sofa and screaming. My parents were unable to contain these eruptive emotions. Slowly I began to learn that this behavior was not welcomed. As I matured, I kept stuffing the emotions inside, they invariably came out as silent tears in closed spaces, regret, guilt, a blockage in my throat, or deep sadness at pivotal times in my life. What was the source of the blockage in my throat?
As I grew older it was harder and harder for me to express my feelings with women and men alike. I was so scared of being judged, seen, and heard. I realized that my experience was not related to my gender but to the experience of not allowing myself to feel my emotions or my body. To be clear I am not blaming anyone for my issues, I am exploring the repercussions of shutting down and swallowing all my feelings so I could appear “normal.” Because I shut down, I found myself crying in many situations or even on the flip side not caring at all and acting like everything was fine.
After my mom died, I lived alone in our house for a month. Inside I was so sad, I did not know what to do with my sadness. My mind told me to trudge on, accept the facts, and move on with my life. As much as I tried, I kept returning to the sadness within me. Now, I realize that the ongoing sadness that I carried, regardless of the events happening in my life, was my desire to heal internal wounds that I experienced from a young age or perhaps for lifetimes. It was only when I decided to express my feelings in words, beginning with journaling, moving to poetry, then spoken communication with others, did I find a lightness inside my being.
I finally let go of the heavy baggage I had been carrying. I understood that we all have emotional intelligence we can trust, though I felt more clarity as I released the weight of the past.
As I expressed myself better in vulnerable relationships, I was also able to feel more when I was with others. I felt their pain, joy, sadness, fears, and so many shades in between. This intelligence helped me to relate to them better and even when I had challenging experiences, I found a strength within myself to not run from situations but to accept them, and all my emotions.
I encouraged my children to express all their emotions, even screaming because it releases the stress within. Together my family healed years of trauma by feeling, talking, crying, and expressing our need for love and how we wanted to be loved. The messages became louder, now I can be seen and heard by myself and by others. It was finally safe to totally be me and I continuously work on this with my interactions with both women and men.
In actuality, I feel that all beings on this planet want to feel and express themselves emotionally, but we may not always feel safe to do so. I especially have seen this with men I speak with through my online mentoring program. Sensing that for both genders it has not always felt safe to speak openly about how they feel with loved ones. As children, we are very sensitive to the way adults and other family members treat us.
The key is to understand that we have the ability to change, heal, and be our emotional, authentic selves no matter what has happened in our lives or how we perceived it.
Personally, I feel that the gender roles many of us grew up with are not in line with our hearts and souls. I have consciously chosen with my children and relationships not to perpetuate any gender-specific behaviors. I am open to my children choosing their sexual preferences, partners, clothes, hairstyles, etc.
As I opened the door to my emotions, I encouraged all of my connections to open the door to deeply vulnerable feelings where we are completely seen and heard. So deep that we feel naked with each other as we share our hearts and souls since the baring of our hearts signifies trust in others and ourselves.
Once we have found safety and security within, we become confident enough to share our emotions, delineate our boundaries, and know that we are safe because we love ourselves dearly. We can bond deeply with others, however, if it doesn’t feel safe inside, nobody but ourselves can heal our wounds. The bond has to begin within.
Are you desiring more support to authentically express your feelings in spoken word and in your art? Join my New Moon Healings, more information in my Facebook group. Open to all gender preferences! (*)
Gila holds New Moon healings every month in her Facebook group via Zoom. Ground your new moon intentions in the sacred ceremony. Release the past and believe in the secrets in your heart!
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