Has Love Become Lackluster?
Dating, mating, and co-habiting. What is it that will keep the magic alive over time? That’s the perennial question, isn’t it?
I’ll cut to the chase. My simple answer is, Go Deeper. I hope this mini autobiographical sketch will shine a little light on what I mean by ‘Go Deeper.’
I was married once for seven years, and I’m more than ready to admit, with the exception of the cold wars and the personality clashes, it was a complete and total bore. If I had been willing to be bored out of my mind for the rest of my life, I guess I would have stayed. Thankfully, that was an intolerable thought.
We were both really innocent, though. At the time we married, we just didn’t know what we didn’t know. Had we both known more about introspection and personal growth, we might have been able to make it work, but neither us knew how to be a witness of our minds and our emotions. And no one ever told us that having sex and making love were two entirely different things. So there just wasn’t enough glue to keep us together. And another young marriage bites the dust.
Fast forward beyond several boyfriends and a few lovers later, and I meet a man with whom I dive into the deepest intimacy I had ever known. The same was true for him. We lived together and loved together for six, remarkably exciting, compelling, evolutionary, passionate, and challenging years. And although we eventually came to a point where our paths needed to take us in different directions, we stayed heartfully connected for many more years, until he left this world for his next adventure, four and a half years ago.
In all honesty, I cannot recall a single moment in all of that time wherein our relationship could ever have been called ‘Ho Hum.’ Not a single one.
What was it that made the difference in these two experiences of relationship?
I believe it was the context. And the context within which each of these relationships happened was dramatically different. Are you willing to take a look at this with me?
I was twenty-one when I met my ex-husband and barely twenty-two when we married. Looking back, I married ‘a situation.’ A situation which looked a lot like my mother’s idea of a good life and a dream ‘catch’ of a mate. And I was way too young and inexperienced to realize that it wasn’t really mine. So, to oversimplify, our relationship was happening as the out-picturing of a societal script.
Back in the day, you went steady for a while, got engaged, got married, and proceeded to have kids. And you hoped like heck it would turn out like The Donna Reed Show. When it didn’t a lot of people got divorced, but the societal script was so strong that they leaped right back into another relationship, and often, in another, and another. I’m sure many of these people wondered, as in the refrain of that old Peggy Lee song “Is that all there is?” But that wasn’t what was in the cards for me.
Here’s what happened:
During my ever-so-boring sojourn as a suburban housewife, I was gradually and effectively being seduced by a ‘new kid on the block’. And that ‘new kid’ was ‘The Human Potential Movement’ and the awakening realms of consciousness growth. So, within a period of just a few years, I was becoming enchanted and mildly inebriated by the promise of emotional healing, sexual exploration, and enlightenment, whatever that was supposed to mean. There’s really no other way to describe it. I was being swept up, up and away, on a mystical, magic carpet ride of inner self-discovery.
Consequently, the ‘script’ for what I will call my ‘contrasting relationship’ here, was entirely different. My tantra partner and I came together in the context of an edgy adventure in personal growth, meditation, and self-awareness. We were living life in the Buddhafield of a Tantric Master, a-way-out-of-the-box situation with which we both were completely fascinated. So, we were perfectly positioned to explore the unprecedented depths of emotional and physical intimacy that had eluded us both up until that point in our lives.
In the beginning, it seemed like we were just really sweet friends who enjoyed each other’s company, in a kind of a mellow way. And on occasion, we had sex. It was nice, but nothing to knock anyone’s socks off.
Then, we were offered an isolated 40-acre ranch, six miles up on a mountaintop in the Ortega Mountains above San Juan Capistrano. It was there that the magic began to unfold. It was the immersion in almost 24-hours-a-day communion with one another and with nature that afforded us the ability to dive so deeply into ourselves and one another. There was no television, no electronic devices. There wasn’t even electricity. Just a generator, oil lamps, and an assortment of candles when the generator was off for the night.
We shared our personal history, our failings and regrets, our joys and our deepest sorrows, our highest hopes and dreams for the future and our visions for the world. And of course, we shared our bodies, eventually with no reservations whatsoever. Nothing was being held back. Nothing. We felt like we had opened the gates to heaven. Oh, and we laughed, a lot. Often until our sides split.
We became comfortable in the silences between our sharing, and eventually, we became surprisingly telepathic with one another due to the closeness afforded us by virtue of the ‘immersion.’
So, my prescription for an intimacy that’s gone lackluster? Dive deeper.
Dare to uncover another layer of the mystery of yourself, of each other and of life, together. Shake it all up. Immerse in the endless depth that wants to be uncovered within you. It’s there. Perhaps, even dare to say some of the things you think are unsayable.
It just happens too often that the mundane day to day-isms dull a relationship with layers of gunk and stale routines, leaving you both imagining that you know all there is to know about one another.
That’s a dangerous thing to imagine about anyone, isn’t it? Honestly, you don’t need an isolated ranch in the sky in which to make your partnership throb with new life. Create an experience of immersion, wherever you are. Consider that it’s just a decision away.
All you really need is the desire and the willingness to dive deep and fall more openly, compassionately, and passionately, into the open, loving minds and hearts of one another.
And it can happen anywhere.
“She wanted her man not to be just a man, but an adventure in discovering consciousness.” – Osho: The Book of Woman: Celebrating the Female Spirit