“This is not your brokenness,” she said to me in all of her wisdom. It’s your rightness.”
Sitting on her couch, my nervous system was completely blown out. I was crying, shaking, and frustrated because I couldn’t just do the things that other people do in the world. I was making myself wrong, listing out all the reasons why something was wrong with me and not the situation at hand, but she wasn’t having any of it.
“This is your anger,” she continued. “Your body is responding to what doesn’t feel right because your boundaries have been violated. This is your no.”
Lately I’ve been learning the truth of her words, over and over again.
The truth that, because I never developed a solid skill of setting and holding boundaries, and even if I managed to, they were walked all over in ways that will never be excusable. My body has learned to communicate this to me in different ways. It’s learned to say no for me.
I got really into the show “Suits” this summer, and one of the things I loved about that show was that anytime anyone crossed a line or said something shitty, each and every character responded the same way with an instant and emphatic, “what did you just say to me?”
“Wow,” I thought to myself as it happened again and again, “What a skill! To be able to identify the boundary violation and respond, without wavering or making themselves wrong, in the moment. Do people actually have this skill?”
Turns out, it’s a real skill, and one you can develop.
I’m learning to trust in my rightness. And I’m learning that what once broke me has given me a gift.
When the energy is unclean or someone is attempting to control or manipulate me, when a line is being crossed, codependence is present, the truth is being twisted, or the situation is simply unaligned or not okay for ME, my body responds. Instantly. Clearly. Loudly. And then I speak up accordingly. I’m nowhere near as quick as those snazzy “Suits” characters, but I’m learning.
I’m learning there is a difference between fear and projection, and I’m actually noticing the subtle energies that set off the “HELL NO, NONE OF THAT” alarm. The difference is in how our bodies respond, and it takes some time and attention to learn how to discern between the two.
Don’t get me wrong, we all project.
We can’t help but do so, we’re human. At least until we learn how to bring more awareness to our own wounding, beliefs, traumas, and stories.
But sometimes? Sometimes we just know things. Sometimes we’re just right that something isn’t okay, or a situation isn’t for us. Our bodies are finely tuned to the subtle energies of the world around us. If we take the time to pay attention and discern between the subtle differences, as well as to understand how we respond to different situations, our bodies can become a powerful tool.
So, remember: Maybe it’s not your brokenness. Maybe it’s just your rightness.