According to Caroline Myss, forgiveness is an act of faith. It’s completely irrational. It’s the rational mind that keeps us locked in the suffering of painful thoughts and old grudges.
Myss also describes it as one of the most selfish acts we can ever do, because it’s essential for healing on any level.
Forgiveness is not about giving the other person a pass; it’s about reclaiming our own power. I’ve discovered that grudges hide everywhere in human consciousness. Oftentimes, we don’t even know we’re carrying them.
Over a year ago, I decided that it was time to move past a devastating situation. It impacted me so profoundly that I could hardly eat. For weeks.
When a friend suggested Ho’ponopono, a forgiveness meditation, I immediately felt triggered. My feelings of having been wronged by the other person came up full force, and all I could feel was blame.
Curiosity piqued; I went all in on this small, daily forgiveness practice. I’ve done for over 500 days in a row now, and still counting. It’s been such a boon; I’ll almost certainly continue it for the rest of my life.
There are at least two reasons we have trouble with forgiving
- We’re afraid that if we forgive, nobody will ever know or acknowledge the pain we experienced. The thing is, if you want to be seen and acknowledged, you have to start with yourself – others can only follow your lead! Believe me, I know this isn’t easy. A daily, incremental practice allows you to do it without being overwhelmed.
- We confuse forgiveness with forgetting. The emotional charge around that person or situation gives us the illusion of safety. The fear is that if we let go and forgive, we won’t be protected and they (or someone like them) will hurt us again. Know this: Letting go isn’t the same as condoning another person’s behaviour. This is hard for the rational mind to grasp!
YOU CAN keep the safety, protection, and gifts without giving up your boundaries. Think about a simple situation where you got hurt. Maybe you burned yourself on the stove. You still use the stove, with appropriate precautions, right?
And you have every reason to forgive!
The way you digest life relates to how your body digests food. Your habitual thoughts, memories, and emotions inform all your actions. They inform how much residual stress is in your body.
Stressful thoughts, fears, and resentments cause your body to go into fight or flight. You carry feelings of unresolvedness everywhere you go, and they’re often directed inward. Those ‘toxic’ emotions leave an addictive chemical pathway through your body.
When you release that, your system is primed for Rest and Digest. I’ve seen it over and over with my gut health clients.
Over time, this ongoing release creates positive changes in the nervous system. You become more resilient!
After doing Ho’oponopono in a committed way, I’m much more aware of my own reactions. When I notice myself reacting negatively to anything, I stop and do the practice.
This is my take on Ho’oponopono
Step One: “I’m sorry.”
For what?
For polluting my interior space with unhealthy, unhelpful thoughts. I’m the one responsible for that, not the person I’m judging. This is an opportunity to see what you’re really creating with your thoughts.
Often, I compassionately realize my part in the situation, directly or indirectly. Seeing my own humanity helps me remember the other person is human, too.
Does that mean they aren’t responsible for their part? No, but that’s none of my business. I AM responsible for my corner of the collective consciousness, and I want to make my world beautiful.
Step Two: “Please forgive me. Please help me understand this in a new way.”
Often, you’re asking the God of your understanding to forgive the actions your ‘little self’ took. Or, for some feeling of righteousness on your part, which never feels good.
This piece has evolved substantially for me, as I’ve been doing this practice. I use the Embodied Vision Method™ to facilitate profound shifts for my clients. In it, we ask for the Divine perspective and truth on a situation, and if needed, we ask for help in forgiving. There can be several steps to this, like unraveling a ball of tangled yarn.
At this point, I quietly pause in a space of open-mindedness. I usually receive a new insight or a fresh way of seeing the situation. The process involves deep surrender and listening.
I’ve started noting in my journal the insights that come. It helps the new understanding seat in my consciousness.
If you DO want harmony between yourself and another, rest assured, they’ll feel the difference. You’ll never have to say a word. They may connect with you or they may not. Best to step out of the way and allow things to unfold as they will.
Step Three: “Thank you”
This natural gratitude to Higher Consciousness shows you a truer version of events. You connect to the goodness within you that chose to do the practice.
And, maybe for the other person showing you a Truth you might not have learned in a gentler way.
As you release the emotional armouring, you become more aware. Your newfound sensitivity increases your capacity to learn gently.
Step 4: “I love you.”
This one can be sticky, because ‘love’ is confusing. You’ll find the essence when you’re able to let go of your conditions for love, even temporarily. Release the emotional hooks toward the other person or situation.
I imagine a retractable cord on a vacuum cleaner. You can do this over and over again, if you need to — and you might!
You can also direct the love to yourself and to Source consciousness. At its best, it’s a natural extension of the gratitude in Step 3.
If you’re directing this toward the other person, make it unconditional love. No strings attached, no expectations of any particular outcome.
You can also be clear on whether the door is open for the other person to be in your life or not. Either way, you’ll know it’s complete when there’s no longer that bit of rub between you and the other.
You can also say toward the other, “I love you and I release you into Divine light.”
Over the past months, this practice has changed the way I handle those mental, or actual, rants.
If I hear myself complaining in my mind or out loud, I don’t let the rant live past the end of the day. Ideally, I stop, drop, and practice Ho’oponopono. This mitigates future difficulties; the pattern doesn’t get lodged in the subconscious mind.
I’m much more open to compassion and understanding than I used to be. I no longer need to protect my own boundaries so fiercely.
At the same time, my boundaries are stronger now than they’ve ever been!
Some life events carry too much weight to forgive in one session. This bite-sized practice is ideal for forgiving big, impactful situations over time.
As someone who loves my independence, I love these practices I can do on my own. That said, I’ve also discovered the value of being held and witnessed in a healing container. If you’ve got something bigger you’d like to move, I’d be honoured to hold space for you.
Connect with me through the Wellness Universe. I have plans to create a monthly community event around forgiveness and healing soon.
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Holly Blazina’s Gutsy Type Method is an alchemy of the Yoga and Ayurveda traditions, Embodied Vision™ Coaching, and her work as an author, flamenco guitarist, composer and recording artist. She helps empaths solve their gut issues, amplifying their personal power in service of their life’s purpose.
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