If you’re a single woman experiencing a relationship dry spell, I assure you, I’ve walked in your shoes. It can be hard to look around and see other women—ones you can’t quite relate to, behaving in ways you don’t care to—ensnaring the very men you find interesting. Here are thoughts that some of my readers have shared; see if any of these sound familiar:
- “My friend can walk into a sports bar, lock eyes with any guy she wants and leave with him. They fall in love with her, too, it’s not always just a one-night thing.” (Sarah, age 33)
- “I’ve given up on ever getting married again. Single men my age just want to have fun, easy sex, lots of girls. They see right away that I’m not like that and they move on fast. My standards are too high.” (Chynna, age 55)
- “I go on maybe 3 dates, but then they [men] expect something else to happen and I’m not ready. Sometimes I just go ahead and then they leave anyway, so what’s the point.” (Alaia, age 26)
When you set high standards for your own behavior, it’s natural to want to pair up with a man who shares your values. From years of coaching women, I can promise this: your match is out there. But finding him isn’t always a straight path; it takes time. Try to tune out our noisy Insta-culture, and don’t lower your standards just to bring more people into your life. Surround yourself with those who will support your quest to achieve personal best in behavior, character, and maturity.
Choose Quality over Quantity!
Ironically, there are relationship experts who suggest a woman must develop dramatic problems, or at least, charming character flaws to fascinate desirable men. Hollywood movies and celebrity news, in general, suggest that girls behaving badly are every man’s fantasy. Playing the superficial vixen is a losing game that leads to deep insecurity, however. What happens when you stop? (Can you ever stop?)
Don’t be fooled by your hot-mess girlfriend’s ability to attract wonderful men into her life. Many men can enjoy a bit of drama, or a damsel in distress, for a few months or so. Her erratic behavior creates a delicious tension and uncertainty (the illusion that she’s taking him on a roller coaster ride), while her emotional fragility highlights his strength (he remains fully in charge underneath the theatrics, even if he doesn’t see it that way). It’s an entanglement, not a relationship, and a major part of the appeal is that it will not last.
Just as a woman can become addicted to a hot-and-cold lover, a man can sometimes get tangled up with an immature woman, one who enjoys appearing damaged and maybe a little spoiled. He’s got to drop everything and come save her from her latest issue. There is a cycle of reward and achievement, and that’s kind of exciting, at first.
Eventually, though, a high-status man moves on to the woman he truly admires; in his eyes, she is the goddess he can’t believe said yes. He enjoys the reward and achievement of pleasing her, but he is also energized by her—not worn down. Many men have told me that it is this sense of becoming “a better man” around a woman, that signals love.
The only sure path to lasting romance with a man who is emotionally mature is to embody emotional wholeness yourself.
Yes, your unique presence CAN flip the commitment switch of a man who was previously uninterested in marriage. But it’s not so much something you “do.” It’s about being fully present and alive in each moment and allowing yourself to just be. Your quiet joyfulness is contagious for the man who is truly tuned in and focused on YOU.