Since we’ve been hearing so much about removing what no longer serves us these days, The Wellness Universe reached out to several individuals who specialize in helping us determine if or when we should reintroduce people back into our lives. Glean from them as they share their expertise with us in this five-part series.
Through my experiences and expertise, before determining if we should let a person back into our lives, we must first be honest regarding why this person was removed.
Was our ego and pride in the way (unwilling to forgive an act)? Did we self-sabotage the relationship (walk away before they left us)? Did they harm us (emotionally, mentally, physically)? Was there consistent letdown, frustration, stress, exhaustion, annoyance, anger, resentment, insecurity, distrust when this person was in your life?
How I advise my clients
First
I ask them to write down the five most important attributes they need from any relationship to last.
Second
I ask them to “write down everything they can remember as to why this person is no longer in their life.
Why was this person removed? Who did the removal? How did this make them feel? How long has this person been out of their life?
Third
I ask them to write another list:
What was positive or valuable about the other person?
Fourth
I ask them to rate from one to five (five being the greatest, one being the worst)
- How much do you trust this person to (A) not hurt you again (emotionally, physically, mentally)? (B) not walk away or ghost you?
- How supportive is this person in your life?
- Can you rely on this person?
- Does this person dance in your triumphs or only in your challenges and your pain?
- Does this person make you a better version of yourself?
Fifth
I ask them what will be the benefit of bringing this person back into their life? How will their life change?
When we can see, by writing these answers, it becomes our “wake-up call,” should this person be in your life or not? Often, if we have removed someone from our life, we have done so because there was repetitive crappy behavior or the individual no longer served us on a mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical level. Reminding ourselves (with a list) is essential in figuring out if we should let this person back into our life.
If this is an Ex, usually they were an Ex for a reason; most people aren’t willing to change for the same person they had issues with, and old habits will return on a larger scale, especially if the negative list is higher than the positive one. When we want someone back, it can be easy, too easy sometimes, to put our best foot forward and “change” to win someone over. The actual test is staying strong, making sure they’re consistent “new and improved self” lasts longer than nine to twelve months before entirely investing in a relationship.
Lastly, I know being alone can be highly challenging and can convince us we should let someone who hurt us back into our lives, however, taking someone back in fear of being alone is not the answer. This decision can block the love and relationships God intended for us from coming into our life.
Stress within relationships is a very sensitive subject. Please reach out to a trusted resource for your well-being.
If this inspired you and resonates with you, reach out to Stephanie Bailey as a trusted resource for your well-being.
*Originally published on February 12, 2022.
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