Manipulation is either passive or aggressive—the threat of taking something (like love or a relationship) away, or the promise of doing something that affects us negatively. Take time to identify the manipulation you experience. Are okay with these things happening? If not, identify what you’d like to experience instead. How can you create that for yourself/ Then, begin your journey to step out of manipulation? Here’s your first step!
What Tells Us We Are Being Manipulated?
“In short, it is primarily emotions and physical reactions.
As we know, our emotions arise in response to our experiences. It turns out there are specific physical reactions and emotions that arise in us when others are using our energy without our permission…. It is our signal to be alert to the drain and be ready to protect ourselves by creating personal boundaries.”
“Most of us pay attention to our emotions only after the manipulative event,
which puts us at a disadvantage because by then we have already lost precious
personal energy. We can still take care of ourselves, but we have the added task
of recovering from the effects of this latest manipulation.”
“Of course, we need to learn to feel and know those emotions in order to identify them as they arise in us. When we feel our own energy strongly throughout our day and our life, it is easier to identify any change. Manipulation creates a strong pull away from your own rhythms and energy and into the system of needs catered to by Lifestyle Manipulators. Our task is to stay with ourselves.”
Thoughts, Emotions, and Emotional States are Usually Associated with Manipulation
“Anger (out of proportion to the event, you cannot seem to resolve it, and/or anger with yourself)
- Guilt
- Confusion
- A knot or tingling in your solar plexus (the pit of your stomach)
- Tiredness, exhaustion
- A desire to escape
- Helplessness
- Hopelessness
- Hurt or fear
- Questioning your own motives
- Strongly suspecting the other person’s motives
- A feeling you should do something, but you don’t know what
- The idea you are responsible, in some way, for what happened
- Concern that you may be ‘bad, wrong, or crazy
“These are feelings, thoughts, and emotional states people report when they have encountered manipulation in their lives. Experiencing seven to ten of them is a sure sign you have been drained of energy and will be drained whenever you spend time with that individual. If you experience these feelings frequently when you are around certain people, then those individuals operate as “energy drainers” for you. They are the manipulators in your world.”
“When you first look at whether these emotions arise when you relate to others, you may find that almost everyone in your life stimulates seven or more of these reactions. As you leave your own manipulative tendencies behind, you will notice that fewer people stimulate those reactions in you. This is strong encouragement in your journey toward ending your own manipulation.”
“Emotions will always tell you when manipulation occurs.”
Blocking Manipulation by Others
“It is all well and good to be able to recognize manipulation, to know it is occurring, and to see how it is being done. Even more important, however, is knowing what to do about it! Here are …things you can do to block others from manipulatively draining your energy.”
Nip it in the bud
“As soon as you are aware of someone attempting to manipulate you (see Chapter 9 for the emotional signals), find a way to stop it. This may mean you will have to leave a situation, be rude (in your own eyes), stop seeing someone, or make policies about how you will interact with particular people in your life.”
“Policies are the most useful devices to avoid manipulation. Having a policy saves you from having to make a separate decision each time you realize someone is attempting to manipulate you….”
“I only make decisions after considering them for 72 hours,” or “I do not lend my car,” or “I am happy to talk with you for fifteen minutes about the incident with your boss. After that, we will either change the subject or take a prolonged break from the topic.’”
“It is possible to make a policy about any part of life…. Having policies makes
handling manipulative situations easier.”
“A caution: when you make a policy, stick to it to the letter. Any exceptions you make in your own policies will require that you start all over again in dealing with the manipulative behavior….”
Also, whatever policies you make, be certain to apply them to everyone.”
Follow principle – Make your own plan and stick to it
“Concentration is the key to power. No other person can have power over you if you are truly focused on yourself, your plans, and what feels right for you.”
Keep separate – Face and experience your aloneness
“Lifestyle Manipulators can only drain someone’s personal energy and resources if they remain connected, having hooked the victim through one of the passive or aggressive ploys.”
“Take the time to be alone. Spend time alone for as long as it takes for you to no longer feel you are missing something because you are alone.”
Set and hold clear and decisive boundaries
“Setting boundaries is important for living our lives, period. Yet it is particularly important in dealing decisively with manipulation. Lifestyle Manipulators do not have boundaries—…. there is no demarcation between the Lifestyle Manipulator and others.”
“Boundaries essentially say: “That is you in that body; this is me in this body.” The ability to set boundaries ideally occurs during childhood; yet as we have seen, children need help to create and maintain those boundaries—help most children do not receive. When I finally learned to set boundaries, I realized it was a powerful way of loving myself!”
Next time, we’ll look at how we manipulate ourselves, and what we can do to end manipulation! Leave your comments and enjoy the expanding power you have over yourself!
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Ilene Dillon, MSW, has dedicated her life to helping people resolve personal challenges once and for all, then design life to be what they want it to be. A Transformation Specialist, she has worked 50 years as a psychotherapist and 15 years as a coach. She is a global speaker, Amazon International Best-selling author (The Wellness Universe Guide to Complete Self-Care, Volumes 1 and 2), podcast guest, and plans to give her first TEDx speech (on Anger) later this year. Ilene is also the author of Emotions in Motion: Mastering Life’s Built-in Navigation System and End Manipulation: Stop Being Jerked Around by Toxic, Energy-draining People. With her little dog, Pi, Ilene lives and travels full-time throughout North America in her RV, writing, teaching, and speaking along the way.
