Time Does Not Heal Grief


Time does not heal all wounds

I never believed that time heals all wounds or heals grief.  The only thing time does is allow us to get used to the idea. We come to accept the loss, but the physical presence of a loved one will be forever missed. We yearn to see them with our human eyes and hear them with our human ears. We want a physical touch, a hug, a gentle kiss. We long to hear “I love you” once again. And I guess it’s easy to get stuck there depending on your beliefs. It’s easy for someone to cease to exist because of a profound loss, but it’s not how it’s meant to be. When a person dies, it was their time to go, but it is not a time for the living to stop living. You only do that when it’s your own time to die. And why would someone choose to be stuck in such a dark place of misery and grief for the remainder of their years. Everything in life is a choice.

Losing my mother

When my mother, who was also my best friend, lost her battle to cancer I remember thinking if I just get past the first year of all the firsts without her…first holiday, first birthday, etc., then I will be alright. Boy, was I wrong! I went through the first year numb. The first two months I cried hysterically into my pillow every night. I wallowed in it…even welcomed it, because I knew my emotional exhaustion would eventually gift me with sleep. I experienced all the “proper” emotions…denial, anger, bargaining, depression (and eventually acceptance). During the day I tried to stay strong for my family and to be supportive of my children through their grief. I think my youngest son who was only 8 at the time had a better grip on it than I did. He cried every night for two weeks straight, then one night came into my room and announced, “I think it’s going to be okay. I don’t feel like crying anymore.” Wow…at his tender young age even he realized it was a choice and he chose to get back on with life. Good for him!

Don’t misunderstand, you need to experience and work through your grief. Don’t deny your feelings and realize that although there are 5 known stages of grief (as mentioned above), everyone’s process is personal to them. There’s no set time frame for each stage. My entire first year I was in pain and emotionally numb to everything else. It took the entire second year for me to really go through it and get past it. I knew I didn’t want to stay like that. I didn’t like me in that state and I can’t imagine anyone else did either. The real kicker is, being that I’m an intuitive and have a very healthy and loving relationship with the concept of death, you’d think I would have sailed right through it! Ha!

Getting past the grief

So how do you get past the grief? One way is by being open to a new type of a relationship with the departed. When one is stuck in their grief, they perpetuate the death. You relive it over and over again. You say things like, “I can’t believe you’re gone” or “how will I go on without you”. In doing so, we’re pushing spirit further from us. We’re telling them they’re gone to us forever and nothing they do can change our mind. It’s only when we move past the grief that we can then truly honor and celebrate the life that they lived. And in doing so, it brings the spirit of our loved one closer to us. We can start to feel their subtle presence in our lives. They are overwhelmed with joy when we continue to live a full and happy life. And they’re thrilled if we acknowledge their presence. It’s kind of like playing hide-n-seek as a kid. Sometimes someone would come out of hiding, but we’d still pretend we couldn’t see or hear them. Eventually, the person ignored becomes very frustrated and just gives up. Spirit should never be ignored. Know that they are with you always. Watch for subtle signs. If you see something and think of them, then it’s from them. If they pop into your head all of a sudden, then they are near you. Trust those feelings and know that when the time is right, you will be with them again.

Blessings – Leslie <3 Inner Calm Reiki