I’m laying on the floor in the closet, tucked as far back as I can be, with tears streaming down my cheeks.
Screaming silently inside, I cannot stop my body from shaking or the room from spinning. The door is locked, but I know he can come in if he wants to. He’s already told me he can. Still, it’s the only sense of safety I can give myself. It’s the only place I feel I have to go.
At some point, I’ll stop crying. I’ll disappear so far inside myself that my limbs will get cold and the stillness will become palpable. Because screaming silent screams and swallowing endless sobs? Eventually, your body just grabs anything left of you and tucks it all away.
Have you ever screamed a silent scream as ‘loudly’ as you can? It’s a special kind of awful that leaves a special kind of scar.
I had no one to turn to because the ones I tried to share with, couldn’t hear me. They would brush my feelings off as my attachment style, or my inability to stay in a relationship. They would tell me I was loved and that love is all that we can ask for; or they wouldn’t acknowledge my words at all. Leaving me with a silence that made me question myself, my experience and whether I even spoke in the first place.
It’s not normal to scream silent screams.
To have sobs so deep and painful that swallowing them makes your throat close up. It’s not normal for the world to start spinning and your body to shake in terror.
Never let anyone else tell you what’s true for you. Never let their silence or inability to listen and hear the obvious make you feel like the crazy, messed up one. And never, ever, let them explain to you, your experience, or your feelings.
Some people are hiding from their demons and simply can’t show up for you. Some people have already made a decision about you and the situation that they simply can’t go against; because ‘knowing’ is the only thing they have. And some people are just the kind of people you don’t need in your life at all.
But there are other people; people who will hear what you’re trying to say when you can’t even hear yourself anymore.
They will stop you and say, “Hey, that’s not okay, what do you need to be okay?” They will listen and honor your truth, even if they can’t wrap their heads around it.
Never doubt yourself or silence your body’s pleas. Never, not for anything or anyone.
You are wiser, stronger, and far more courageous than you give yourself credit for. But you can only be that when you have your own back and listen to the whispers or screams from deep within.
Even if no one understands. Even when no one believes you.
I know it’s hard. But you’ve got you.
And you alone are enough.