This is our last WU Blog on Ending Manipulation. Because it’s not a good idea to keep giving our energy to someone with whom we feel upset or angry, or by whom we’re being manipulated, here’s a wonderful tool to preserve your energy: The Closed-Door Exercise.
“The Closed-Door Exercise is a simple yet powerful process to keep yourself from being drawn in emotionally by others…. My ex-husband would…. leave phone messages; whenever he did, I would get upset or feel enraged. My ex was not following the orders of the court, had left me with a huge debt, was not supporting our child, …. and would not set up a regular visitation schedule…. All of it provoked me to anger and was taking up a lot of my time and attention.”
“My wise friend pointed out …. getting upset with him…. was giving him my energy and allowing him to get me twice. She taught me the Closed-Door Exercise. I did the exercise regularly for a month. Only my friend and I knew I was doing it. ….my ex began following court orders and started spending time with our child…. Let me take you through the process of this powerful tool…”
“Close your eyes throughout the exercise. Call up the viewing screen in your brain, on which images appear for you.”
“Think of someone who angered you this week. Remember the exact incident and what you felt. Take time to notice how you are breathing and what you are feeling as you think about this person and the behavior.”
“Let this image fade. On your screen, visualize a closed door—a nice, solid closed door with solid walls around it. What is it made of? What is its color and texture? Does it have hardware on it? Look at the hinges. Once again, notice how you are breathing and what you are feeling.”
“…. let the image of the door go. Instead, recall the image of the person who angered you. What words were used? Or was it the silent treatment? What was the person doing or saying that should not have been done or said, or what were they not doing or not saying that should have been done or said? Notice your breathing and what you are feeling….”
“Bring back the door image and concentrate on it. Look at the texture, color, solidity, solid walls, the fixtures. This is a concentration exercise. Place your full focus on the door. After a time, notice how you are breathing and what you are feeling.”
“Let the image of the door go. Recall how angry you were feeling and how awful the other person was being. What was the absolute worst part of the behavior? …. Become aware of the hurt you feel about what this person did.”
“…. close the door immediately and firmly on this person….. they will not be hurt by your actions. Recognize that what you are doing is closing the door on your emotional reaction to this individual. Concentrate on the door—the solid door with solid walls around it…. Check your breathing and what you are feeling.”
“Open your eyes when you are ready. What did you experience?”
“Most people experience short, frequent breaths, and feel upset when they envision the person toward whom they feel angry…. when the door is closed, breathing slows down, they become less tense, and feel calmer, sometimes lighter. If this is what happened, then the exercise is working. If it did not work for you this time, do it again when you can take time and concentrate fully.”
“When upset with others, it is important to close off our emotional response to them. Energy is passed from one person to another, often without our awareness, even when people are miles apart. That energy will keep the person coming back to you because it feeds their energy needs. The Closed-Door Exercise is an immediate and powerful way to close off this unwanted energy exchange.…”
“Caution: Do this exercise when the person toward whom you feel angry is not physically present… ”
“A reminder: You do not have to give double energy to someone who has hurt or violated you. This happens when you experience the insult and then spend time thinking about the person and being upset. When this occurs, the only person who is diminished is you….”
“Protect Your Own Energy”
“….it is important to pay attention to how you are working with energy. Remember that energy follows attention, so your primary task is to take control of what you pay attention to. Use the…. principle What you pay attention to, you tend to become. Choose to pay attention to what makes you feel great!”[i]
“For example,…. You have begun to set boundaries and limits, so you tell them you need 72 hours to think things over….”
“Do not tell the person you will contact them in 72 hours to give them your response.”
“If you do, you will likely function like I did when first learning this tool. I dreaded the contact for the entire 72 hours! When the time was up, I procrastinated. When I procrastinated, I felt guilty…. I urge you not to set yourself up for this distress.”
“The other person needs your energy. You have decided not to give it to them at this time, so why offer to give it at a later time? If they want your energy, put them in charge of asking for it when the time is up….”
…. even though at the time you invoke the rule the other person seems desperate for your response, all too often by the end of the 72 hours, they have totally forgotten about it! ….”
To your Manipulation-Free Life!
Connect with Ilene on The Wellness Universe.
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Ilene Dillon, MSW, has dedicated her life to helping people resolve personal challenges once and for all, then design life to be what they want it to be. A Transformation Specialist, she has worked 50 years as a psychotherapist and 15 years as a coach. She is a global speaker, Amazon International Best-selling author (The Wellness Universe Guide to Complete Self-Care, Volumes 1 and 2), podcast guest, and plans to give her first TEDx speech (on Anger) later this year. Ilene is also the author of Emotions in Motion: Mastering Life’s Built-in Navigation System and End Manipulation: Stop Being Jerked Around by Toxic, Energy-draining People. With her little dog, Pi, Ilene lives and travels full-time throughout North America in her RV, writing, teaching, and speaking along the way.
