What does healthy communication look like?
I’m doing a deep dive to look at my own communication patterns, like talking a lot to fill up space and interrupting others . . . which has led me down the rabbit hole of writing this article.
All of us just crave to be heard, to relate, to have a voice that matters . . . don’t we?
We use communication on a daily basis. It’s how we get by in the world. Communication is formed with our language, our writing, our movements, tone, and “vibes.” All animals communicate in some form, but our languages set us apart. Yet, we so often struggle with miscommunications and spaces where our words or meanings fall short.
Filling Up Space/Interruption:
If you can think of a time that someone talked nonstop and you found yourself sitting in a space where it felt like there was no room for your words, stay tuned. If you’re someone who speaks slowly as you process words, give a pause between your thoughts, and then someone quickly jumps in demanding the silence to be filled, you’re not alone.
On the other hand, if you’re the person who fills up the silence or jumps in with your own story as a way to relate to someone else’s words, there’s no shame; this is for you, too.
We can probably all admit to having, at one point in time, put our foot in our mouth or used a tone that lands wrong. It’s okay. We’re not saints.
I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been notorious for unhealthy communication styles. Interrupting people, losing my temper, giving the silent treatment, or walking away when I can’t process my emotions. I’ve also been someone who feels interrupted, unheard, and talked down to.
I learned in a communication class that I often talk more than I listen. The deeper I dove, the more I recognized that I interrupt people and fill space to feel heard. To feel like I matter. Can you relate to that? It can be an uncomfortable realization to recognize that you don’t always hold presence for another person or give them space to speak, yet the deep reflection I uncovered through this led me to be more conscious of my conversations. As I’ve become more aware of the power of now, I’ve learned to be more patient and present in the moment, giving others the experience of “holding space.”
Two-Sided Coin: Expression/Repression
When hurt feelings become so strong, it’s typical for people to lash out or shut down. One way this shows up is in the form of communication known as “the silent treatment.” As redundant as that is because it’s a lack of communication, it still communicates a message. I’ve dished it, and it’s been served to me. Getting so angry at someone that you just choose to shut down and disassociate is a defense mechanism to keep yourself in your victimhood. If we can get away with blaming other people, then we don’t have to take responsibility for our unprocessed anger.
Shutting down can repress emotions, leading to a buildup of lashing out, where the other side of the coin is expressed. Using a harsh tone or unkind words is something that can fly off the tongue effortlessly . . . yet it can cause rips in a relationship. The reality is, unprocessed emotions that are continuously repressed or inappropriately expressed can result in physical ailments in the body. The good news is that we don’t have to stay stuck in our patterns forever.
We must recognize our faults and take accountability for the ways in which we miss the mark if we desire to make conscious changes. Taking accountability for our words, tones, and behavior is how we maintain healthy communication styles, which in turn relates to healthy relationships. Taking radical responsibility for our own communication styles is the blueprint for change.
Deep Dive:
I recently had a run-in with my partner where I had unhealthy communication, and unprocessed wounds surfaced. With hurt and anger sitting in my throat, I started heading for the door. I felt like I didn’t have the skills to talk through what I was feeling at the time and had to shut down and walk away, or I’d blow up. He gently encouraged me to walk back over to the couch and talk it out instead of running away. We made the agreement that day to remain in our heart spaces and talk it out when it got tough. We decided to make the commitment to remind each other that we need to talk to each other with respect and compassion at all times, holding ourselves and each other accountable for the times we could do better.
Conclusion:
So the questions we come to are, how do we heal these communication patterns?
What do we do when we recognize that we’re not being present?
When our words come out harsher than we intended them to?
When don’t we allow others to take up space?
When do we react poorly?
What then?
Well, we’ve come to the part of this article where we ask ourselves, what would love do?
And here’s the simple answer:
Love would listen. Actively. Attentively. Whole-heartedly.
Love would love ourselves. Love would make darn sure our own voices were also heard in a crowd. Love would take up space, while allowing others the same stage presence.
Love would sit with that hurt and say, “I see you. I witness you. I’m here with you. I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”
Love would pause before speaking to make sure that our words and tone came across with softness. It would express itself with compassion without suppression.
It really comes down to the Golden Rule–treat other people the way that you want to be treated. If you wouldn’t want someone else to ignore you, belittle you, interrupt you, or talk over you, then plain and simple, don’t do it to them. Treat yourself the way you wish other people would treat you. Practice non-violent communication. Stand firm in your boundaries.
Recognize that when someone disrespects your boundaries or hurts your feelings, it is foundational to respond from a place of empowered inner authority. And when a time comes when you recognize you’ve disrespected someone else’s boundaries or hurt their feelings, it is important to humbly take accountability to heal what has been hurt.
Recognize the part that you’re playing in your experience. Take radical responsibility for the way that you show up. We can’t control others’ words or reactions, but we can control our own. Choose kindness and compassion, and above all, recognize that everything is either an act of love or a cry for love.
“Everything is either an act of love or a cry for love.”
So how will you choose to use your voice?
Connect with Maria on The Wellness Universe, and follow her on LinkedIn and Instagram.
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Maria Feider is the Social Media Manager for The Wellness Universe, where she creates engaging digital content, fosters meaningful connections, and helps expand the organization’s mission through strategic social media engagement. In addition to her work in digital media, Maria is an energy healer dedicated to helping individuals realign body, mind, and soul. She supports the release of resistance and energetic blockages, guiding others toward greater clarity, harmony, and overall wellbeing. Maria is currently pursuing a degree in Integrative Health and Wellness Coaching and is Reiki Levels I & II certified.
