We’ve spent a lot of time describing what I call “Lifestyle Manipulators.” But what are adults like when they end their manipulative behaviors?
“Welcome to the world of non-manipulation. It is populated with mature, assertive people. Let’s talk about and experience within yourself and others. Let’s look at what you can expect to experience within yourself and from others….”
“Mature people do not need an agent to help them conduct their life. Instead, they take responsibility for their own energy and life, including asking for and creating what they want. Being a responsible co-creator of our own life is harmonious with the way things are set up for us in this Giant School we call earth.”
“Are you intrigued to be a fully mature person? I have gathered a list of characteristics that you will likely exhibit as part of your new way of living. You may not manifest all of them from the beginning, but this list….appreciate and continue with your changes.”
What You Will Experience in Non-Manipulative People
“These are the qualities of non-manipulative people:
- Responsible for their own lives and actions
- Free of manipulative ploys or tricks (clear about where they stand with others)
- Only do what they want to do (operate based on wants, not needs)
- Decision makers
- Action takers
- Enjoy “alone time” and “together time”
- Live by principle and integrity
- Do not fear being alone
- Not attached to an outcome
- Feel strong and powerful
- Emotionally balanced
- Keep their own counsel yet do not hesitate to ask for help
- Self-directed (decide how and when to use or share energy)
- See all experiences as opportunities to learn
- High self-esteem
- Reliable, not frantic, usually calm
- Flexible and open
- Empathetic and compassionate”
“The mature person knows taking responsibility is the real path to freedom—of choice, action, and emotions. When we are responsible, we are “at choice.” Being fully responsible means taking responsibility for choices, actions, mistakes, experiments, missteps, and outcomes. And it means taking responsibility for our physical, financial, spiritual, emotional, and relationship lives. Doing this harmonizes our lives with spiritual principles…. Our part in responsibly co-creating our life is following our beliefs, making choices, working with emotions, and taking specific action.”
“Life is a continual string of choices. No choice is any better or worse than any other….”
“On the freeway, I can obey the speed limit or exceed it. If I obey the speed limit, I will get to where I am going more slowly, will not be given a speeding ticket, and may travel more safely overall. If, on the other hand, I choose to speed, the possible consequences include arriving where I am going more quickly, getting a speeding ticket, and traveling less safely overall. Society says choosing to follow the speed limit is “good” and the correct choice to make. Every day we get to choose the “good” or the “not good” way. No judgment.”
“When the consequences for speeding arrive, the Lifestyle Manipulator says, “’That patrol car was hiding behind the billboard. That is sneaky….’”
“The mature individual says: ‘I was exceeding the speed limit and the police caught me. Now I will have to pay the fine. I made a decision which is making my trip take a lot more of my time (and money) than if I had decided to travel more slowly.’”
I went on a day trip not long ago. At one point the driver was talking and not paying attention to his speed. When he was going at least 25 miles over the speed limit, a highway patrolman pulled him over. ‘You’re right to stop me, Officer!’ this man began when the patrolman stepped up to the car. ‘I didn’t realize I was going so fast. I was certainly over the limit. I apologize.’
The officer asked for the man’s driver’s license. He had only a paper copy with him because of an administrative issue, which he explained to the patrolman. So far, this man had been caught speeding and he didn’t have a valid driver’s license with him.
The patrolman took the paper and then sat in his car for a long time. The driver was holding his breath, calculating how many hundreds of dollars this stop was liable to cost him. When the patrolman returned, he had determined that our driver did have a valid driver’s license, even though he didn’t have it with him (a requirement of that state).
Handing the paper back to the driver, the patrolman told him the steps he needed to take to get a replacement license, handed him the order for a replacement license, and told him he would have to pay a $25 fee to get the new license. He started to walk away from the car.
‘Is that it?’ asked the driver. ‘Yes,’ replied the patrolman. ‘But I know I was not driving correctly…. Are you sure?’ Our driver was astounded. ‘You get that license replaced,’ reminded the patrolman. ‘And slow down. There are way too many accidents on this part of the freeway. I don’t want you to be one of them.’
The driver leaned over, shook the patrolman’s hand, looked him in the eye, and said, ‘Thank you.’”
“One of the most difficult things for people to accept is that each person is the architect of his or her own life…. As we have noted, each of us constantly creates our life for the present and into the future through two main activities:
1) the choices we make
2) what we focus our attention on.”
“This is one of the best stories I know that illustrates what can happen when we focus on taking full responsibility, including for our mistakes! …. Most people do not step up and take full responsibility like this man did. Taking responsibility creates this type of outcome more often than not!”
Only one more blog on Ending Manipulation! We’ll end by discussing ways to powerfully work with our own energy!
Connect with Ilene on The Wellness Universe.
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Ilene Dillon, MSW, has dedicated her life to helping people resolve personal challenges once and for all, then design life to be what they want it to be. A Transformation Specialist, she has worked 50 years as a psychotherapist and 15 years as a coach. She is a global speaker, Amazon International Best-selling author (The Wellness Universe Guide to Complete Self-Care, Volumes 1 and 2), podcast guest, and plans to give her first TEDx speech (on Anger) later this year. Ilene is also the author of Emotions in Motion: Mastering Life’s Built-in Navigation System and End Manipulation: Stop Being Jerked Around by Toxic, Energy-draining People. With her little dog, Pi, Ilene lives and travels full-time throughout North America in her RV, writing, teaching, and speaking along the way.