In my mid-thirties, I spent many nights crying myself to sleep, mourning the fact that I had no friends.
A man I met in Aikido class suggested I consult an Astrologer, a man named Walden Welch. Having never done such a thing, I approached Mr. Welch with great caution. When we met, I posed my questions so that I gave him no information about myself, making sure he did the work I was there for him to do with me.
“Tell me about me and family,” I said. “Tell me about me and work.” I saved the most important question for last, finally requesting him to “Tell me about me and friends.” Mr. Welch took his time to consult my chart, and then announced: “You might as well forget friends for this lifetime! You’re not going to have friends. You didn’t come here [the earth] to have friends; you came here to get work done!”
Totally crushed, I rushed as quickly as I could to my car, where I cried, pounded my steering wheel and complained loudly about the message Mr. Welch had given me. When my fury subsided, I spoke aloud to myself. “Well, I can’t argue with him. I don’t have any friends! I better face the fact that I’m not going to have friends. So, what is next?” That’s when I decided that if I wasn’t going to have friends, I’d better develop my ability to be a darn good friend to myself. Over time, I discovered this was one of the best ways to actually have friends because I was invoking the principle, What you have inside of you, you tend to attract from outside. By becoming my own best friend, I began to pull “best friend” energy in from others.
Alone and Lonely?
Most people believe that loneliness is connected to being alone. When you realize that people feel alone in their marriage, or in a group of people, it’s clear that being alone is not really what loneliness is about.
During the holidays, we step outside of our usual lives to visit or spend time with friends and relatives and put ourselves in situations (such as company holiday parties) that are outside of what we usually do. This gives us plenty of opportunities to feel lonely!
For example, if people are dancing and no one shows interest in dancing with you, if others in your group are invited on an adventure and you are not included, if stories are being told that have relevance to part of your group but not to you, all of these situations can lead you to feeling lonely.
Is it necessary for you to connect with others, assert yourself so you get included, or ask for hugs in order to dissipate your feelings of loneliness? Taking such action is usually quite difficult for us when we’re already feeling lonely. The answer is “no.”
The experience of loneliness is healed from the inside out!
All we need to do is deal with our own self, and we can correct the loneliness that plagues us.
Loneliness develops when we have more of our personal energy going out, than coming in.
It is not because we are alone that we feel lonely; it’s because we are not loving ourselves sufficiently in that moment. Instead of making sure we have all the energy we need, we have somehow allowed it to escape and are not bringing a sufficient amount back into us.
Clearly, the solution is to do things to bring energy back in! Shared below are some things you can do to bring energy back in, even in the middle of Holiday parties.
Here are 5 Ways to Bring the Loving Energy Back In:
- Make note that you have more energy going out than coming back in. Ask yourself “What can I do that will bring energy into me?” Do that thing.
- Find a way to do something for which you have a talent. Talents are those things we do that others admire, but when they do, we respond with “Oh, anybody can do that.” In reality, not everybody can! Doing things in which we have a talent for is the number 1 best way to restore ourselves from loneliness.
- Ask for a hug or a hand squeeze, or attention. Energy comes to humans in the form of attention. Hence, getting attention from others is a “cure” for loneliness. We can also get attention from ourselves, by doing things like feeling gratitude to ourselves for being where we are in life, reading or listening to inspirational material, getting out during the holidays, etc.
- Focus on everything for which you feel gratitude in your life. List those in your head. As you focus on gratitude, you will bring yourself to calm centeredness, no longer realizing the deficit of energy.
- Remind yourself that you are always loved. Each person on this earth is bathed in the love that is the Universe, yet we forget. Reminding yourself that the Universe runs on love, that there is enough for everyone, that someone or something larger than yourself is constantly tending to loving you, that everyone is love and you don’t have to be concerned about “deserving” love, will return you to calm centeredness.
Even after the Holidays, you’ll be able to use this understanding and these behaviors to restore yourself to an equilibrium whenever experience feelings of loneliness.
Ultimately, loneliness is a result of our not remembering to make sure we have a constant flow of loving energy. Fortunately, we can restore ourselves to this state whenever we want!
If you\’re interested in learning more about emotions and how to work with them powerfully and effectively, I invite you to stop by my website. Watch for my new book about becoming the master of emotions, Emotions in Motion, due to be published in 2019.
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Ilene Dillon, MSW, has dedicated her life to helping people resolve personal challenges once and for all, then design life to be what they want it to be. A Transformation Specialist, she has worked 50 years as a psychotherapist and 15 years as a coach. She is a global speaker, Amazon International Best-selling author (The Wellness Universe Guide to Complete Self-Care, Volumes 1 and 2), podcast guest, and plans to give her first TEDx speech (on Anger) later this year. Ilene is also the author of Emotions in Motion: Mastering Life’s Built-in Navigation System and End Manipulation: Stop Being Jerked Around by Toxic, Energy-draining People. With her little dog, Pi, Ilene lives and travels full-time throughout North America in her RV, writing, teaching, and speaking along the way.