Once upon a time, there was a sweet precious 4-year old who looked up at her mother drying dishes and asked with questioning eyes, “Will you ever give me away?”
Her mother dropped the dish towel, knelt down, hugged her, and said in the most comforting and reassuring voice, “Never, ever. I will never, ever give you away.” You see, this little girl was adopted when she was one month old, and although her parents had always been honest about how much they loved her and how special she was to them, on this night she caught a glimpse of a very different reflection within her mind; where she was born and then given away.
For the most part, her younger sister also adopted, and brother, natural-born to her parents, lived in harmony. However, there were those infrequent ‘two against one’ battles. “At least my Mom didn’t give me away!” taunted her brother to his adopted sisters. Yes, it was a joke, but words have energy. Words seep into the recesses of our subconscious mind and continue as stories that influence our behaviors and choices. Without realizing it, every time this little girl looked in the mirror, the question “Why was I given away?” was lurking in the shadows.
As she grew, the subconscious fear of being given away manifested in many ways as she:
- Tried not to make anyone mad.
- Always had a smile on her face, even when she was feeling sad.
- Kept busy to prove she had value.
- Would agree with others to the point she had no opinions of her own.
Subconscious beliefs often influence our perceptions in ways that keep us from acknowledging they exist.
When looking in the mirror, she saw her actions from another perspective when she:
- Tried not to make anyone mad. “I’m sensitive to people’s feelings.”
- Always had a smile on her face, even when she was feeling sad. “I don’t want anyone to worry.”
- Kept busy to prove she had value. “A busy person is important.”
- Would agree with others to the point she had no opinions of her own. “If I agree, then they’ll like me.”
This young woman eventually marries, has children, and begins a journey of self-discovery. The years pass full of unexpected and often painful life experiences that test her body, mind, heart, and soul. Through it all, she grew to embrace that little girl who questioned her mother, discovered old beliefs influencing her choices, honestly shared her feelings, and confidently expressed her opinions.
Today, this woman’s story, my story, has taken an unexpected turn.
I’ve played harp for over four decades and music is my gift I share with others. For the last 17 years, much of my time and energy has been focused on a CD called “The Magic Mirror – Inspired Reflections.” This music, inspired by ancient healing chants my husband shared with me, played like a radio inside my head. We recorded the CD in 2000. It was my first original musical expression, played without sheet music.
This 23-minute CD quickly took listeners into a deep meditative state. It also helped with sleep, anxiety, depression, and pain. I kept seeing this CD being gifted to those in stressful life situations, specifically newly diagnosed cancer patients.
Then the questions began:
- Why did this music feel different than my other recordings?
- What was happening that took people into such a deep state of relaxation?
- How could I prove it was good enough for patients?
Despite all the personal testimonials, I thought the only way this music would be good enough for patients was to prove it with research. Over the next few years, three pilot studies were conducted that showed “The Magic Mirror” did have positive effects on the brain and immune system. Now, I thought, all we need to do is publish our findings so that the medical community will understand its value.
Over the next 15 years, many unexpected happenings transpired. Two walks with breast cancer became profound journeys of self-discovery and deepening self-compassion as I listened to “The Magic Mirror” CD daily as part of my conscious self-care routine. Hundreds of others, including hospices and oncology clinics, continued to purchase and share the music with patients, friends, and family. My husband kept saying, “You don’t need the research. You have all the proof you need in the testimonials people share with you.” My dream was manifesting but I needed more validation.
In 2018, the co-authors of our pilot studies completed a research article which was submitted to an online journal. It was accepted and published. Yet, I still felt it wasn’t enough.
Funny how we’re able to see different reflections at different times in our life.
Often, reflections come through the eyes of those we deeply love and respect. Two such friends, one being my husband, helped me see more reflections within the magic mirror. They helped me see my old fears of being given away and of not being accepted. I was stunned. I felt I had addressed these fears years ago. Suddenly it became clear, like wiping the dust off a mirror. I was beginning another journey and had projected subconscious doubts onto “The Magic Mirror.”
- Would our research be accepted and seen as valuable?
- Would decision-makers hear this music as just another relaxation CD and toss it aside?
- Was my original music good enough to help support our family?
These fears dissolved as my friends helped me remember, “I AM the gift. Everything I create is an expression of love and that can’t be proven. It simply IS.” I took a deep breath and felt the joy that comes from sharing the love that I AM, the love that will never give me away, the love from which I was given this gift of life. All my expressions are an expression of this love, music, research, presentations, everything!
As the many reflections merged into one, my heart smiled knowing my dreams can now manifest through love, not fear.