In the last post, we talked about the energy aspect of manipulation. It is vital to understand that manipulation is about using the energy of others. We are moving into new ways of being and becoming more aware of ourselves as Energy Beings. We cannot be our authentic selves, live fully empowered, or develop our spiritual self successfully while still allowing others to use our personal energy. But is manipulation “bad?”
From chapter 4
“Keep in mind, too, that a Lifestyle Manipulator can read your energy hundreds, even thousands, of miles away! … Energy is free to travel anywhere and does so very quickly. When you are connected with a Lifestyle Manipulator, any emotional reaction you have to his words or behavior will reach that person, even if he is halfway around the world from you. Emotions are energy, and when we allow ourselves to feel them powerfully, that energy becomes easier to send, receive, or locate. Lifestyle Manipulators are adept at picking up and using such energy.”
“Hence, when dealing with a Lifestyle Manipulator, one of the most powerful things we can do is to master our own energy and not be drawn into constant emotional reaction to what that person says or does.”
From chapter 5
“Manipulation is a behavioral pattern that is totally necessary in early childhood. Without new information or insight, we continue to believe it is totally necessary as we grow up. As we have already noted, however, continuing to manipulate can create ongoing problems and make us miserable as adults….”
“Is Manipulation “Bad?”
The short answer is no.
“Manipulation can be painful and create negative results (including death, in the case of abuse), but manipulation, in itself, is not “bad.” We usually think of manipulation as someone else doing something to us that causes us to feel demeaned or used. We do not realize that if someone manipulates us, it means we are also manipulating. The good news is that when we accept this, we can end our own manipulation, and people who manipulate will begin to drop away from our life!”
“As soon as we start learning and making changes within ourselves, the pain of any life circumstance begins to lessen. This is true with manipulation, too. Learning to view a manipulative person in our life as a teacher who is showing us where we need to grow and develop is one of the primary ways we can start to end manipulation in our life.”
“Note that when we do this, … we need to “stand alone.” This means that we are looking after ourselves, using our own energy instead of that of an agent. We stand up for ourselves and support and guide ourselves to new behaviors. This is a particularly important part of eventually ending manipulation.”
“If you want a better, more peaceful life that includes the joy of learning and growing, then ending manipulation needs to be your new goal. Every person has the ability to bring manipulation to an end in his or her adulthood. Imagine what our world will be like when even half the people on earth achieve this goal!”
“If you need to judge manipulation, think of it as good. Even better, do not judge it at all. Like anything in life, it is not about what happens to you; it is what you do about it that really matters. It is not that manipulation occurs in your life; it is whether you use it as intended, to help you get your needs met in childhood and to help you develop tools and habits for non-manipulative adult life.”
“Manipulation Persists in Our Lives”
“Simple as it may sound, we have manipulative people in our lives because we ourselves are manipulative. Like attracts like.”
“If you are relating intimately with someone you believe is using you or draining your energy, you are in some way using them or draining their energy. It means that you have deep fears about your survival if you do not receive whatever it is you believe you need from the other person. This is good news when you plan to get off the manipulation merry-go-round: once you end manipulation for yourself, you will no longer attract manipulation!”
“Having done this myself I helped thousands of others accomplish this change, I can tell you I have never known anyone who made the decision and put in the work who did not see manipulators fade from their life.”
“…. We are all part of a system of human and interaction. In systems (think about the gears inside a pocket watch), whenever one part of the system changes, it puts pressure on the other parts of the system to change, too. If those other parts cannot or will not change, our own change forces them out.”
“Changing yourself allows other people to change. It does not guarantee it. With manipulation, other people will either follow your lead and change or they will get out of your life. You only need to work on yourself. Any other approach dooms you to failure and is a waste of your time and energy. To escape manipulation in your lifetime, you will need to stop focusing on what someone else is doing to you and begin focusing on what you yourself are doing.”
“Interestingly, we can understand the entire system of manipulation by studying the behaviors of others, but we can only make actual changes by turning the focus within. When we can spot Lifestyle Manipulators and recognize their manipulative behaviors, we are better equipped to take ourselves out of the line of fire. Not being manipulated gives us opportunity to put more energy into our own lives, thus allowing for faster and more effective personal growth and evolution.”
“After all, we are all here on earth to learn and grow. …”
In our next post, we will look at how to make the changes to leave manipulation behind.
Connect with Ilene Dillon on The Wellness Universe and walk away feeling better!
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Ilene Dillon, MSW, has dedicated her life to helping people resolve personal challenges once and for all, then design life to be what they want it to be. A Transformation Specialist, she has worked 50 years as a psychotherapist and 15 years as a coach. She is a global speaker, Amazon International Best-selling author (The Wellness Universe Guide to Complete Self-Care, Volumes 1 and 2), podcast guest, and plans to give her first TEDx speech (on Anger) later this year. Ilene is also the author of Emotions in Motion: Mastering Life’s Built-in Navigation System and End Manipulation: Stop Being Jerked Around by Toxic, Energy-draining People. With her little dog, Pi, Ilene lives and travels full-time throughout North America in her RV, writing, teaching, and speaking along the way.
