At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self.
~Brendan Francis
Forming positive attachments to others is regarded as a sign of psychological stability, health, and wellbeing. We all long to belong as a way of being seen and valued.
Being in a partnership is often viewed as a guardian from loneliness. When that attachment is severed through divorce or death of a spouse or partner, this creates a tremendous void that pulls us into feelings of deep grief. Not only is there loss, but a focus on being alone – abandoned – and aching for any kind of attachment. Even when the most acute pain of the loss has subsided, loneliness may take its place as a predominant form of suffering.
It’s been nearly two years since I lost my husband, and I can honestly share with you that loneliness is something I struggle with.
Loneliness can be dealt with in many ways, and the attitude you have toward yourself and the vulnerability that this feeling produces has a lot to do with how much suffering you will assign to it. What do I mean by that?
If you look up the word “loneliness” in the dictionary, it means, “being alone, feeling alone, isolated, without companionship or support.” Take the first part, “being alone.” That’s a neutral statement of fact. It’s when you read the next part of the definition, “feeling alone, isolated, without companionship or support,” it feels bad. Not only that, but you might also continue down the rabbit hole of conjuring up even more fear-based thoughts like, “I’ll never find someone else to love,” “No one will want me,” “I’m going to be alone forever,” etc.
While loneliness may become a long-term legacy of loss, it’s important to clearly identify the feelings of loneliness and realize they are not caused by “being alone.”
Being alone can be very constructive and healing. It’s important to recognize your need for some protective social withdrawal, some solitude, time to get to know yourself again, and to reunite with your “lost self.”
There are ways of coping with loneliness that are meant to distract you from it.
- Positive distraction into the media: TV, newspapers, books, internet, etc.
- Companionship and comfort: adopt/foster/obtain a pet
- Personal enrichment: join a gym, take a class, attend meetings/gatherings, etc.
- Social involvement: spend time with friends, make new friends, and dating (yes, this may seem daunting, but you’ll know when you are ready)
- Involvement with others: through service/caregiving/ volunteering
The methods above represent an outside-in approach to coping with loneliness. There are also strategies for working with loneliness from the inside out. These are ways of embracing solitude as a positive, uplifting, and self-affirming process, a vehicle for uniting or merging with your “lost self.” These forms of expression are meant to help you heal your hurting heart:
- Journaling and expressing yourself freely and openly
- Meditation, yoga, and other spiritual pursuits
- Prayer, turning your feelings over to God, attuning to Spirit’s guidance, and loving support
- Creative self-expression through art, music, writing, crafts, cooking, etc.
Immersion in a search for purpose, meaning, and direction for your life’s next chapter is a powerful way to address the issue of loneliness, of missing the attachment to your partner or spouse. It’s also an opportunity to use this time of being alone to incubate, nourish, to love yourself whole again by using both the outside-in and inside-out approaches in balance.
Loneliness is a universal human experience. When you can see loneliness as the “yearning for union with the lost self,” and satisfy the yearning through being compassionate and mindful with yourself, you are able to honor your feelings of grief and ultimately embrace the blessings inherent in your experience. Yes, even in your grief, you can experience being held and comforted by the angels, by Spirit, and by the divinity within your Self.
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Carrie Doubts is a Transformational Coach specializing in supporting people through life transitions. Her 9-step Program, Rebuilding Your Life After Loss, helps people to reconnect with their heart, reclaim their power, and re-align with their purpose to create their life’s next chapter.
